Anything Could Happen
by UntappedResource19
Summary: Ricky/OC. When Lou starts at Grant High she doesn't expect to find herself being accepted by anyone. Will she get the happy ending that she deserves? Summary sucks but hopefully the story is better!
1. Chapter 1

1st Aug 2009:  
As if moving to a different country didn't suck enough, I have to re-do high school, go to therapy and live on my own. My parents think I'll have a better life here in the States and even though they can't trust me to not put myself in hospital, they've bought me my own house. Yeah I don't believe it either.  
I walk into my therapists office, give my name to the receptionist and go to sit down when I notice a guy watching me. He's attractive in a vaguely dangerous way, dark hair and dark eyes. He's either staring at the way I'm dressed or the visible scars on my arms. I like to dress how I want to, comfortably. Todays outfit consists of ripped jeans, a tight black Johnny Cash t-shirt and my trusty New Rock boots - I still can't believe I was allowed to bring them with me. I got comfortable or as comfortable as I could with this guy watching and I decided to make him realise I could see him trying to figure out why I'm here.  
Pointing to myself while looking him in the eye, I just come out with it. "I self harm. I can see you wondering why I have to be here so thought I'd stop your brain imploding from the effort." To say he looks shocked is an understatement! "Sorry but I don't like people trying to guess and coming to the wrong conclusion. I'd rather be asked straight and no I don't mind people knowing that I have problems, it's not exactly hard to see my scars. If people were to talk more openly about it then there wouldn't be a massive stigma attached to mental health. You see a regular doctor if your body is sick so why not see one for your brain?" I rambled. I can feel my cheeks heating up as I realised what I'd said was what my last shrink had told me after a bad session where I'd told him about being bullied for my scars. "Sorry again. I ramble when I'm nervous." I said. Yeah as if he couldn't come up with that conclusion on his own.  
"You don't need to be nervous, Dr Fields is the best there is but he makes you work for it. I've been coming here for years. I'm Ricky, Ricky Underwood." he finally came out with.  
"I'm Sarah Thomas but I prefer being called Lou. It's what my parents have always called me" I explain before the receptionist calls my name making me jump and showing me which door to go through.

"Why do you think you harm yourself? I know you're on Citalopram to help with the depression and anxiety by why cut? Dr Fields asks me once I'm settled on the massive sofa.  
"Umm…I seem to always have this hurt throughout my body and in my head with no real reason or physical cause. I suppose I harm so that I have a reason to be in pain and I can then care for the wound and watch it heal. I sort of get really agitated, get the things I need then when I actually cut I zone out, it's not until after that I see what I've done and how badly." I answer  
"Is that why you have tattoos and piercing as well? You're 17 so it's technically illegal but why?"  
"In a way yes. I do have an urge to go out and get something done just like I get an urge to cut and I still get to care for and heal which gives the same feeling but this way is better looking than the scars I suppose. I'd rather my body tell a story but not one of how I abuse it but I can't stop myself."  
After a rather exhausting session (in my mind but I can't say that I wasn't warned) I was dismissed with another appointment for the following week. On a plus the only time they could fit me in was during school hours…oh no what a shame! I can't get over the fact I have to go to school here all because even though I completed high school with good GCSEs, I missed a lot of school what with being sectioned and all so to make up for locking me away my parents enrolled me in the local high school.

Ricky POV:  
Wonder what her story is? If there's anything more to it than just having to come see Dr Fields. It's obvious she's English and attractive, blonde hair with a bit of red in, good body, intelligent and opinionated. I did notice a tattoo when she bent to get her bag, would like to get a closer look but I'll never see her again.


	2. Chapter 2

24th Aug 2009:  
First day of school. Yay. I'm still sat in my car in the parking lot and it already feels like one of the levels of hell from Dante's Inferno, I'm just trying to decide which one. I've not even got inside the building and I'm already bringing myself down, great start to the day. Right, deep breath and I'm going in.

Ok I expected people to stare because I'm new and frankly not dressed like any of the rest of the students. Black tee with slashed back and printed ribcage on the front, ¾ length black trousers so you can see the tattoo on my leg and the trusty safety net that is my New Rocks - big, clunky and oh so comfy.  
I walk in through the double doors and grab the first person I see, a tall, skinny guy who looks like he's been caught in the headlights. Well he has been caught in a manner of speaking… "Guidance office?" I ask bluntly not wanting to get into the story sharing portion of the day just yet.  
"Just d..d..down the hall" he replies like the obedient puppy he seems to be "My names Ben by the way. You're new."  
"No shit Sherlock" I mutter under my breath "Thanks for the info" and off I go to start what I hope won't be the worst day of my life so far.

RPOV:  
First day of school. Hope this year goes better, I love John but I could've done with less gossip and drama. I've not even been here more than 5 minutes and already there's talk about a new student. From what I've already heard she's blonde, tall, dresses in black and attacked Ben. I admit that last part made me smile though that soon vanished when I heard Coach call my name, telling me to get to the guidance office. Great at least I can avoid Adrian and have an actual excuse this time.

LPOV:  
Sitting here in this room reminds me of all the times I was caught self harming at school, should've hid it better in retrospect. I'm sitting thinking this when Coach walks back in motioning to someone to wait outside.  
"So do you want my name, rank and serial number?" I ask with a deliberately blank look on my face.  
"Just because you're new here doesn't mean I'll allow any British humour in my office. Now it says here in your file that you've been told to complete high school here before you can go to college or do whatever?"  
"Yes Sir" I reply in my best plummy accent. I swear I heard someone laugh after I say that "I also have other requirements to complete as well."  
"Such as..?" He enquires.  
"I'd rather not say with the door wide open and people, including whoever is outside able to eavesdrop." I reply diplomatically.  
"Fair enough." Coach says "Now because you're new to the education system here and because the Principal thinks it's a good idea we're placing you with another student to help you out. A buddy if you will. Drummer boy! Get in here!" He yells to the kid outside.  
I turn to see which poor sap has been lumped with me and gasp, the guy from the shrinks office.  
"Didn't think I'd be seeing you at Grant," he points out "Didn't think I'd see you again period."  
"Yeah it's part of the parole my parents have me under, basically I can't be trusted on my own to live my own life but I have my own house." I explain then slam my mouth shut. Shit I said too much but then he already knows about the therapy I guess.

We head to my locker which I'm amazed to see is next to Ricky's. He explains to me about the time between classes to get my books, telling me not to take too long, points out where my first class is then leaves me to it saying he'll meet me at my locker for lunch.  
"You can sit with me and my friends though I warn you Grace especially can get a bit overexcited." He warns me.  
"Overexcited I can deal with, it's people feeling sorry, trying to help or people who grab me that I have problems with." I explain. Elaborating I tell him "One girl at my old school saw what I'd be doing to myself when I was getting changed in Gym. She grabbed me and started trying to drag me to the teacher so I punched her and broke her nose. Needless to say I was not very popular after that." After that little nugget of information I turn and head into my first class.

Lunch slowly (too slowly for me) comes around so like a good little girl I head to my locker to wait for Ricky. When he turns up, we head out to the picnic tables that I barely noticed this morning on my rush to get inside. As we wait for the others to arrive we make small talk. I tell him my parents bought me my own house because they're on the East Coast working developing property. They buy houses, make them more attractive them sell them on for massive amounts of money and they do it all over the world. In return he tells me about his son John and shows me a picture in his wallet. It's of a girl with long brown hair and a baby with Ricky's eyes.  
"He's cute" I take a sip of my drink "and she's not bad either!" I say with a wink.  
"Yeah I think so - about John not me" says the girl from the photo walking over with the skinny guy I ambushed this morning "I'm Amy and this is Ben"  
"We've met. Sorry if I scared you this morning. Though it didn't take much" I tell them muttering the last part though Ricky hears and starts laughing.  
"What's so funny?" asks a new girl. She looks Latino to me, beautiful dark hair, all curves and pouty lips with a fiery attitude to go with it all.  
"Ben's reaction to meeting Lou this morning" Ricky explains to them.  
"Oh as long as we're laughing at Ben and not anyone else fine by me. I'm Adrian by the way, I thought your name was Sarah?" she fires off quickly.  
All I can think at first is I have an uncle named Adrian when I get an elbow to the ribs from Ricky. "Sorry spaced a little. My name is Sarah but I prefer Lou, it's from my middle name short for Louise. What else have you heard about me then?" I ask as a small blonde girl who must be Grace and a guy who I'm told is named Jack walk over. Ricky was right, she practically throws herself at me, all hair and perkiness giving me a hug. I tense up "No touchy…no touch."  
At first they all look a bit sheepish not wanting to say anything except Ricky who already knows most of it.  
"You're English, you live alone because your parents work away, you drive a VW Beetle, have at least one tattoo and lots of piercings which means you're about 18 and Ricky is your school appointed buddy" Adrian relents and tells me. She doesn't look that thrilled about the buddy part.  
"Wow. Whoever the source is has their intel right. MI5 should snap them up sharpish. Yes I'm English though my dad is American but then you just have to hear me talk for that one, both my parents are property developers and they're good at it which means I never really see them. They're currently on the East Coast which means I have my own house here. I'm 17 and my cousin back home did my tattoos for me, he wanted someone to practice on. Finally Ricky has been forced to be my buddy by Coach and the Principal because they don't think I can cope on my own" I slap my hand over my mouth thinking shut up, shut up, shut up. I'm such an idiot, why can't I keep my bloody mouth shut?

Completely embarrassed I look at my phone for the time, realise my appointment is in an hour so stand up to go. " I have to um…leave now." I announce looking at Ricky begging him silently not to say anything about therapy. I'd already told him and the school about me having to leave so they wouldn't think I was ditching on my first day. Why I seemed to care what he thought bothered me more than I wanted to admit.

RPOV:  
After Lou left, it didn't take long for the gang to start asking questions I knew they didn't want to ask her to her face. "I'm saying this once, don't ask me for info because I'm not going to tell you anything about Lou that she hasn't already told you herself. If you still want to know then ask her but at least leave it a while, it's her first day and she probably already feels like she's being fed to the sharks." I state looking at their shocked faces not even remotely feeling bad for sticking up for someone when I notice Lou left her books behind. Guess I better take them to her after I finish work I think heading to get her address from Coach.

LPOV:  
Even after my session with Dr Fields, I feel agitated so I go for a drive ending up at the park. Rummaging in my boot for my leather jacket I go for a walk to clear my head. I know being alone when I'm like this isn't the best idea but I'm not ready to leave so I stay for an hour or two before heading home.  
As I pull up I see an unfamiliar car in my drive. Not bothering to see who it is I get out and go to the door almost slamming it in Ricky's face. He follows me in as I start pacing in my living room clenching and unclenching my fists. I know that I should care about someone seeing me like this but I can't seem to shake this feeling of needing to do something stupid. I can't muster up enough will to care whether anyone sees what I can be like but a small part of me appreciates that I'm not on my own this time.  
Still pacing and agitated, Ricky comes over and grabs me by the shoulders "Don't touch me!" I shriek not even making him flinch.  
"Talk to me. I'm not letting go until you either calm down or tell me what's up. Something's not right or you wouldn't be like this"  
"I..I can't" I whisper collapsing to the floor in tears. I draw my knees to my chest and move as far away as I can, practically to the other side of the room. He just follows and drops down to the floor pulling me into his arms. Normally I'd kick up a fuss at the contact and move but I'm drained and to be honest he makes me feel safe even from my own stupid self.  
"Ok but if you ever need anything, I'm here" he says gently. I've never had anyone not judge me before, just accepting that I'll say something when I'm ready. That combined with the hug seems to break down some of my defences and before I know it, I'm telling him everything. All about the depression and self harm, my parents putting me in a psychiatric hospital when I was 15 because they didn't know what else to do, how I'd attempted suicide which meant longer in the hospital, the overwhelming feeling that I won't be able to cope here and failing everyone back home. I open up more to him than any person I've known or any shrink I've seen and we just sit there sharing stories.

RPOV:  
Just by holding Lou she seems to calm down and starts telling me about her life and problems. As she shares her story I feel myself wanting to confide in her. Most people already know the rough story of my past but I want her to hear it from me so once she finishes I tell her about Bob and Nora, the abuse and my life in foster care finishing with being placed with Margaret and Shakur. I tell her about the girls and why I sleep around and finally all about last year with Amy and John. I've never volunteered this much information about myself before especially not to someone I've only really met twice.

LPOV:  
After a while I uncurl myself from Ricky's arms feeling like we've just started something big between us and stand up, wiping tears off my cheeks and feel my defences go back up though this time not completely. "Why did you come here? I never told you where I live so how did you know where to come?" I ask  
"You left your books and I know you have homework so I asked Coach for your address. I thought I'd bring them over, help with any work and order food" he admits.  
"Thanks though I've already eaten" I start, taking my books.  
"No you haven't, you bite your lip when you lie or hide something" he laughs.  
"Fine. What are we having or I could cook if you're feeling brave?" I tease as I walk to the kitchen. Though looking a bit worried he agrees to me making something so I get sausages out and put them in the oven then start peeling potatoes, slicing them and putting them on to boil. Just as I start making the batter I notice him watching.  
"Where'd you learn to cook?" he asks.  
"Back in England when mum and dad were away I'd stay with my grandparents. Granddad taught me mains and Nan covered baking and desserts." I explain pouring the batter over the sausages and placing them back in the oven. "I guess they wanted to make sure I could look after myself if I was ever left on my own. I miss them" I take the potatoes off the hob, drain them then add butter and a bit of milk and start mashing them before making a quick gravy. In the words of the advert 'Ahh…Bisto!'. Once I've finished I get the dish out of the oven and start putting everything on plates. "It's called Toad-In-The-Hole, no idea why though" I say before telling Ricky to get 2 cokes from the fridge. We sit and start eating making small talk but not desperate to fill any silence.  
"Just so you know, you might get 20 questions tomorrow at lunch" he warns me "I told everyone if they want to know something about you to stop asking me and go to the source like you said at Dr Fields"  
Shocked he remembered I reply "Thanks but I think I'll stick with the mysterious but scary persona for a while longer. I'll reveal more when I want people to know about me, most likely when they care less. I'm very good at keeping things about myself secret - well except with you for some reason."  
After we clear up and struggle through some homework (who am I kidding?), Ricky leaves to go to Amy to see John. I can't help but think that I may have made at least one friend.


	3. Chapter 3

29th Aug 2009: (Sat)  
After a few days I have a routine. School, homework, appointments with Dr Fields and keeping up with people back home. At the moment I think Ricky's friends are just putting up with me instead of actually making an effort. Maybe I should let them know a bit more about me though I feel like I'm giving up a piece of myself to be chewed up and spat out.  
Well today's as good a day as any. I've been invited to go shopping with Amy, Grace and Adrian. Why did I agree to this? Oh yeah to seem normal. I go to Amy's to pick her up and her sister lets me in to wait while she finishes getting ready. Ashley tells me Amy takes longer at weekends because Ricky has John so she has more time to herself. I personally think it's good for all of them, Amy gets time to do what she wants and Ricky gets time to bond with John. Plus anything that winds Ben up is fine by me - he seems so clingy and the constant endearments just piss me off. I would've smacked him long ago if it was me but if she's happy… "Come on Amy, we'll be late if you take any longer!" I yell getting restless, I'm already dreading today and don't want to be late.  
"Coming, coming" I hear in reply.

Finally we get into my car and head to the mall where we planned to meet Adrian and Grace. We head for coffee before the frenzy begins, I just hope there's somewhere decent to buy music and my kind of clothes. If not I may scream. Luckily we find a Banana Republic and H&M where I get a few pairs of jeans, some new tees and hoodies from the mens section earning myself some funny looks from the others. I even treat myself to a new pair of Dr Martens as my old ones are falling apart before we head to the food court for lunch. Mmm…crap food, excellent.  
"I'm exhausted" Grace moans at the end of the day.  
"You're just not used to the way I shop - my Nan taught me to take my time that way I'll find something really special. She said that about most things in life" I respond a little shocked that I actually revealed something private even if that was the plan. Amy saves me by telling us about her shopping habits which mostly consist of getting distracted by things for John whilst giving me a look that says we'll talk in the car.  
Not knowing if this is a good or bad idea I ask "Do you fancy coming back to mine for a girls night? A few films and junk food?" A sigh of relief escapes as they all nod excited by the prospect of going to my house.  
I give my address to Adrian and Grace and start driving back to mine. I resign myself to the fact that Amy is likely to ask me loads of questions and when I glance over at her she seems to be collecting her thoughts before blurting out "Ricky told me you don't like to talk about yourself so why mention your Nan?"  
"Yeah I like my privacy but it kind of slipped out I guess…wait, Ricky spoke to you about me?" I answer feeling my anger rising.  
"He only told me to look out for you when I dropped John off last night. He asked what I was up to this weekend so when I mentioned that we were going to the mall he practically ordered me to be nice and to make sure you weren't going to have a nervous breakdown, why he thinks that would happen I have no idea. Well he didn't say it in those exact words but you get the idea, you must have made quite an impression for him to worry like that. He doesn't really care about anyone except John, his parents and well now you" she elaborates.  
"Yeah I know we've not known each other long but we've gotten really close" I say before changing the subject to her and Ben. We finish the drive chatting about whether or not she should dump him and by the time we arrive she's leaning towards getting rid. My work here is done!  
As promised when we go inside I let them poke around whilst I make a pizza.  
"You have so many movies. Can we watch any of them?" Grace asks me  
"Yeah round up the others and you can pick. I don't mind what we watch, I've seen them all so it really doesn't matter to me." I answer. Eventually we end up with Pride & Prejudice for Grace, Cable Guy for Amy and Adrian picked Monty Python & the Holy Grail - I think she's trying to understand English humour personally, I know I'll be quoting it for days afterwards. It slowly creeps towards curfew so I tell them they can stay over if they want but have to call home first while I start getting out spare mattresses and blankets for them all. For the first time in what feels like years, I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

31st Aug 2009: (Mon)  
As I walk into school I can feel people staring at me, it's almost like when I went back to school after coming out of hospital in England. They can't see what I've done - my hoodie hides my arms so maybe it's the fact that I'm in a jumper and it's stupidly hot, at least my ripped jeans help with that. Letting out a sigh I head to my locker where Ricky and Amy are talking about something. I smile at Amy as she leaves. I get my books and turn to leave when Ricky grabs my arm - I can barely contain the hiss of pain that escapes before he drags me to an empty room and shuts the door.  
"Show me" he orders in a no nonsense tone so I pull up my sleeve on my left arm revealing the bandage there. Knowing he wants to see exactly what I've done I pull off the adhesive tape enough so he can see the stitched up gash on my forearm.  
"You had it looked at then?" he asks. I look up to see his reaction, no pity or anger just disappointment. Great now I feel worse.  
"Yeah I went to the emergency room with a bath towel wrapped around it. I told them exactly what I'd done so they called Dr Fields. If I ever do it again he's my emergency contact, I think he's hoping it might stop me."  
"Why? I mean why do it in the first place?"  
"I don't know" He doesn't believe me. "Ok I may have an idea. Things have been going well, I'm settled, school is tolerable and I possibly have some friends. I was just waiting for something bad to happen and then it did. I got a call from my parents yesterday after the girls left, my grandparents died on Friday. They say I can't go to the funerals because they don't want to cause any disruption to me settling in here. I know it's a perfectly legitimate reason but…" I trail off.  
"It's not how your brain works it out emotionally" he finishes for me. All I can do is nod while a few tears run down my face. It takes a lot to make me break down so I hardly ever cry.  
"Come to my apartment tonight and we'll have takeout, watch some movies and talk. It's not a request it's an order, I'm not leaving you alone" he informs me while pulling me in for a hug. Again I nod then look up at him.  
"Ok but I get to pick the films."

RPOV:  
I can't believe Lou could do that to herself. I'm going to help take her mind off everything, we'll talk and take a night away from responsibilities. Amy's parents have John tonight while she's in New York. She leaves at lunch and wants to keep John on his schedule so Amy's mom will pick him up and take him home with her. I'll be moving into Amy's house while she's gone but I need to do this.

LPOV:  
"When will Adrian get that I don't want her?" Ricky asks as soon as I walk through his door. I have a key in case I ever need to hide out somewhere and Ricky has a key to my house for emergencies, he insisted when he saw what I was like the first day of school. Taking my time to think about what to say, I get out the Chinese food I picked up on the way over then I turn to face him.  
"She's too selfish to let you go. She calls it love but it smacks of the 'if I can't have you then no one can' mentality you get at high school when you're 13. It's stupid and isn't what love is, if Adrian truly loved you then she'd leave you alone but she's essentially a selfish person. That's why she'd make a good lawyer."  
"Well that's honest. Sorry to ask but she's been sending me messages and calling all this afternoon."  
"She's going to be pissed if she finds out I got to come over" I say walking over to Ricky, a bit hesitant at first I reach out and hug him. The first hug I've given anyone since I was about 5. I feel his arms wrap around me as I look into his brown eyes. When we kiss a jolt goes through me and I pull away. "Sorry I shouldn't have done that" I mumble looking at the floor. He puts his hand under my chin raising my face up. "It's ok" he tells me before kissing me again. I respond fiercely and feel myself being carried to the bedroom.

Sitting at the kitchen table eating the re-heated food I say "Well I guess we got that out of our systems" with a shy smile. Why would I have to sleep with the one person who doesn't judge me? Ugh, I disgust myself sometimes. As soon as that thought crosses my mind my smile vanishes.  
"What's wrong? Did I tell you that you make me appreciate my sheets more when they're draped around you like that?" Ricky asks me with a smirk. I can't be bothered to find any clothes, it feels too much like hard work right now.  
"At least you now have first hand information about my tattoos if anyone asks" I comment, trying to distract him from my change in mood.  
"Yeah, the dragon is amazing especially when I get to follow it's tail down your stomach"  
I think I've gotten away with deflecting his attention but he asks again "What's wrong? You were smiling and then it was like you just switched it off"  
"I was upset with myself" I sigh. He raises his eyebrow so I continue "You're the person I'm most comfortable being with or talking to and it's so easy to be near you. I guess I thought things might change now we've had sex even if it was rather good sex" I admit making him smile.  
"We'll be fine, it's still easy being with you and I'm hurt…only good? I would've thought great at the very least" he teases.  
Whilst chatting and finishing the food we're interrupted by Ricky's phone ringing. He looks at me apologetically as he mouths "Amy" while leaving the room. Suddenly nervous I quickly grab the clothes I can find, my shoes and jeans, borrow one of Ricky's shirts, find my phone and keys and slip out quietly.

1st Sept 2009 (Tues):  
The next day at school I wait at my locker for Ricky to arrive. After talking to Grace about Amy and Ben breaking up I spot him.  
"Sorry I left without saying but I didn't want to keep you from talking to Amy. I've got your shirt, washed and ironed - I did laundry when I got back" I explain pulling it out of my bag.  
"You left some things behind" he tells me with a smile grabbing the top I left and something small, black and lacy from his pocket handing them to me while I blush from embarrassment. He leans in and whispers "Why so red Lou?" still smiling. "You're giving me my underwear in the middle of the hall, of course I'm going to go red!" I whisper back. He just laughs and walks away. Please tell me that no one saw any of that.


	4. Chapter 4

23rd Oct 2009 (Fri):  
The last couple of months have flown past. I'm doing better in therapy so only have to go once every 2 weeks, my grades have improved and I'm sharing things about myself with my friends. I haven't seen much of Ricky the last few weeks after he went to see Amy in New York. They're giving their relationship a go to see if it'll work, all I know is he's not allowed to have sex with anyone apart from Amy. I don't think he minds especially as we had a couple of times that I stayed over his apartment before he left. The only thing that bugs him is that he's not in control which I understand completely.  
I have a doctors appointment later, I've been exhausted, hardly eating the last few weeks and having trouble concentrating. People have been noticing, well my friends because I like to eat. After picking at a lunch I really didn't want in the first place, I tell Amy that I can't hang out tonight cause I have to leave early and have things to do. She wishes me good luck and makes Ricky do the same though he really doesn't need to say it. I know he's worried, he made me make the appointment.

I sit nervously in the waiting room trying to stop my stomach turning over even though there's hardly anything in there. Finally my name is called so I go through to the doctors office. He asks all the usual questions, how long have I been feeling ill, have my eating habits changed, sleeping habits, am I on medication blah, blah, blah… We eventually get to questions I don't expect, when was my last period, last time I had sex etc etc. I answer as best as I can then he takes some blood and tells me to wait while he has it analysed. Once I'm alone I start thinking of all the different things that could be wrong but thanks to his questions about my period and sex life an idea takes hold. Oh shit, I couldn't be, could I? We were safe at least I thought we were. Just as I think that he comes back with my results. "Please tell me" I ask desperate to know. He looks up and tells me what I didn't want to hear " Well by the results of the blood test and the answers you gave me I'd say you're about 8 weeks pregnant. Congratulations." Oh shit.

I don't remember leaving the doctors or picking up my prescription or even making a follow up appointment. The antidepressants must have caused my birth control to fail…bollocks. I come back to myself finding that I've driven to Dr Fields office. I head inside to see if I can talk to him even if it's just for a few minutes. I get in just before his next appointment and tell him everything, having sex with Ricky, feeling ill, finding out I'm having a baby, feeling scared shitless and out of control. After I've calmed down a bit I leave and see Ricky waiting to go in. I pretend to not notice him but I know he's not fooled.

RPOV:  
As much as I want to find out what's up with Lou, I have to see Dr Fields. I would ask him but I know he won't tell me but I give it a try anyway. He just looks at me as if to say ask her yourself. I make up my mind to go over after I've finished here. I'm worried something's seriously wrong.

LPOV:  
I hear a car pull up outside, I have a pretty good idea who it'll be so I'm not surprised when Ricky walks in. I am surprised by how cautious he's being, normally he'd just walk over and hug me but he's acting like I'm dangerous. "Lou, put the knife down" he says worried.  
"What? I'm not holding a knife" I scream at him.  
His eyes move to my hands, making me look down. I am indeed holding a rather large carving knife dripping blood in my right hand. Looking at my left arm all I can see is red running down my fingers from the cuts that I can't remember making. "Oh" I mouth before falling to the floor. Ricky runs over grabbing a cloth from my pile of laundry and wraps it around the wounds.  
"Come on, I'm taking you to the emergency room" he tells me before picking me up and taking me to his car. As he places me inside I giggle "This is absurd - I'm going to make a mess" This is bad, I think I must be in shock which makes me laugh more.  
We get there and Ricky carries me inside giving my information to the desk after putting me in a chair. He then pulls out his phone and makes a call which I can't hear. I'm so dizzy and light headed from the blood loss that I slump forward, falling onto the cool floor. It feels nice. About 10 minutes later I'm carried through to a small room and put on the bed. By this time Ricky is looking white faced, worried and covered in my blood. "I'm sorry" I say starting to cry so he walks over and hugs me just as the doctor and Dr Fields walk in.  
"I called him" Ricky explains gently "they would've called anyway and I want to talk to him. Can we go outside?" he asks heading to the door.  
As the doctor stitches me up I think about my current situation. I read the information leaflet on my happy pills when I got home, confirming that they caused the birth control to fail, another thing I can blame on them, like the dry mouth and shaking hands isn't enough. Breaking me out of my thoughts the doctor tells me I'll be fine, to rest and not use my arm too much. Yeah, yeah heard it before. Once he's finished Ricky walks back in explaining "Hearing about you cutting and actually seeing are two very different things. I just needed to talk it through, make sure I'd done the right thing. You didn't even know what you were doing and that scared me more than anything else."  
"It scares me too. It wasn't until you looked at me like I was dangerous that I realised something was wrong. I don't want you to look at me like that again, I wouldn't be able to cope if I saw fear in your eyes because of me" I whisper crying.  
"I wasn't afraid for me, I was afraid for you. You're my closest friend and I refuse to lose you through your own stupidity, I've lost enough that way."  
I wipe my cheeks and admit "I just got so overwhelmed today and things have been building up for a while I guess"  
"Well then talk to me" he shouts "I'm going for some air and to calm down. I'll be back to take you home" As he leaves Dr Fields comes in. We talk and when he's happy for me to go home he goes to find Ricky and see about getting me discharged. As we're about to leave, he pulls Ricky to the side and says something quietly to him. They think I can't hear what they're saying so I'm not shocked when Ricky walks back over and asks to stay at mine tonight.  
"I know Dr Fields told you to stay whether I agree or not so why bother asking?" I grumble.  
"He's worried about letting you be on your own especially after everything you told him this afternoon, don't worry he didn't say anything about what you said but even if he hadn't told me to stay I'd do it anyway because you shouldn't be alone tonight"  
We drive to mine and exhausted, get out of the blood stained clothes and crawl into bed with me as far away from him as possible until he reaches over and pulls me into his arms, holding me while I cry.


	5. Chapter 5

11th Dec 2009(Fri): 14 weeks  
Over the next few weeks, Ricky is like a shadow near me every free minute he has. I can understand why he's doing it but constantly being watched is putting me on edge more so now I'm terrified he'll find out that I'm pregnant. Luckily I haven't had much morning sickness so don't have to worry about being discovered throwing up at school. I can't tell him about the baby. He's so happy now that him and Amy are giving things a go and that his life seems to be going somewhere.  
I'm now 14 weeks and starting to show. Thank god for all the customised band tees I have, todays happens to be HIM, I've cut off the sleeves so it's nicer to wear when it's warm. Seeing them live was amazing plus Ville Valo is hot! Anyway another reason for all the scrutiny is I was seen acting strangely on the day I found out about the pregnancy and it didn't help that the same person saw Ricky carrying me out of my house covered in blood. So many rumours started because of that - I even heard one where Ricky had killed me and was disposing of my body. That was proven untrue when I walked into school after the weekend though the bandage on my arm didn't help matters. Either way neither of us found it funny. In the end we came up with the story that I was cooking and had an accident though the gang doesn't seem to have bought it and now they're also watching my every move. Frankly it's starting to piss me off, these hormones and being hungry aren't helping.  
"You ok today Lou?" Grace asks warily when I sit down to eat.  
"I'm fine" I snap "Will everyone just quit watching me? I don't intend on falling into a jibbering wreck anytime soon, now can I eat lunch in peace or does one of you want to spoon feed me as I seem to be incapable of functioning without your help apparently" I get up and storm off to find somewhere to eat in peace away from prying eyes.

RPOV:  
There's something going on with Lou that she's not telling me, she's not normally this snappy.  
"Woah that was unexpected!" Ben exclaims moments after Lou leaves "Grace only asked if she was ok."  
"Would you like to have your friends watching your every move? Lou had an accident, I know I was there and now you're all acting like she tried to kill herself" I accuse even though I'm lying to them about that night. "I know I'd be pretty pissed if it was me in her shoes. Look if you want then I'll keep an eye on her if it will keep you lot happy but I'll be the only one watching her."  
"Thankyou, it's good she has you as a friend. Tell her we're really sorry if we made her uncomfortable" Amy says with a strange look on her face as I turn to leave.

General POV:  
"They are way too close to just be friends" Adrian says "I know they stay over at each others all the time. It's just weird to say your only friends and spend so much time together. Maybe there's something going on we don't know"  
"No, nothings going on between them. Ricky told me so at work when Lou turned up at his, she looked upset about something." Ben replies opening his lunch bag.  
"I trust them, both of them. If they say they're friends then that's all they are. I'm glad they have each other to talk to" Amy adds in a quiet voice getting up. The others at the table look at her retreating figure in sympathy before agreeing to keep an eye on the situation.

RPOV:  
I find Lou sat in her car looking lost and vulnerable, I don't think I've seen her like this before and it worries me, more than I want to admit. I tap on her window then walk round to the passenger side so I can get in. "I think, no I'm sure you made Grace cry" I start with.  
"They need to stop watching me like I'm about to break or fall apart. It's driving me nuts!" she yells.  
"I kinda told them that after you left. What about me keeping an eye on you? I know it's still not what you want but frankly I'm going to do it anyway because there's clearly something going on with you" I admit. She looks up at me with her big blue eyes full of unshed tears and I can see she's about to say something, opening her mouth when Adrian knocks on my window signalling that lunch is nearly over.  
Lou's quiet for the next few days, unusually so which makes me think that if we hadn't been interrupted she might have come clean about what's bugging her. It must be pretty big as she's stopped hanging out with the girls, wandering around in a daze half the time. It's like she's stopped caring.


	6. Chapter 6

15th Dec 2009(Tues): 15 weeks  
Nearly halfway through and no one knows. Dr Fields keeps telling me to tell Ricky but I can't. I don't want to ruin things for him.  
I'm finding out the sex today, I would have a bit sooner but the baby was in the wrong position so I asked to come back for another try and then my parents came to check up on me and talk about my options. I told them in no uncertain terms that I'm keeping my baby and they're going to keep putting money in my account so I don't have to worry. It's the least they can do.  
I'm so excited but still nervous as I wait for my name to be called. After what feels like hours I go through and get onto the bed pulling up my shirt. The doctor asks me if I've felt any movement yet, am I eating right, getting enough sleep while getting the gel out to put on my stomach. I hate that stuff, it's always freezing. I swear they keep it in a fridge just to torture us. As she puts the wand on my bump the heartbeat fills the room and I laugh in amazement. There's an actual human being in there!  
"Well everything looks good, shall we find out the sex today?" she asks. I nod then a few moments later she announces "Congratulations, it's a girl"  
I'm having a girl! A few tears escape while the news sinks in. After cleaning myself up, getting the picture and putting my phone away I leave. I already know what I'm going to call her by the time I get home.

22nd Dec 2009 (Wed): 16 weeks  
I spoke to my parents this morning, my family are the only ones from back home that know about my pregnancy. I sometimes think of telling one of my old friends but I just can't seem to get the words out. I miss them when I'm alone. Anyway, we had a general catch up about how things are going for me, saying they'll be sending a cheque for my Xmas present and saying to expect a parcel at about 3pm. Bit random from them but whatever.  
The day passes in a bit of a blur, me listening to Radwimps, singing along in Japanese and doing housework. I only just hear the doorbell, suddenly remembering the package mum said about I fling the door open expecting a delivery guy but instead I see Patience, my best friend from England.  
"Gonna let me in or just let the neighbours stare because I'm so awesome?" Shocked I stand to the side so she can come in "Paish what are you doing here? Not that it's not amazing to see you" I grab her suitcase and bring it inside then give her a massive hug completely forgetting about my bump.  
"Dude…either you're throwing yourself into the fast food here or you're up the duff. Your parents thought it'd be a nice surprise which frankly is weird coming from them but I'm here now! Hey you hugged…you never hug"  
I look at her a bit sheepishly "Yeah I know, I have so much to tell you. How long are you here for?"  
"Until you kick me out I guess, no just a week" she laughs "Come on then, make tea, give me some of the cake I know you made recently and we'll talk. Nice house by the way" I head inside to the kitchen and do as ordered then sit on the sofa and start filling her in on my new life here.  
"No questions until I've finished" she nods her head, eager for me to start. "Well…I became friends with my school appointed buddy, Ricky and his mates." Her mouth hangs wide open "Yeah me interacting with actual humans! After school on the first day he comes over and finds me freaking out so just hugs me, not saying anything so I told him everything, I mean everything. Since then we've been really close and one night we kind of…um…had sex a few times and now I'm pregnant with his baby and no I haven't told him because he's dating the mother of his son. Also I'm having a girl."  
"Dude…you're hugging people! Ricky must be fit for you to even have let him touch you once let alone to have sex! Wait you said he has a kid already? Awesome! Can I meet him and your cool American friends then?" I try to picture my friends meeting Paish, small, bleach blonde, excitable and full of piercings, the image just makes me laugh. I wonder if she'll out enthuse Grace?  
"Yeah, I think they're all coming over tomorrow night to watch films. Don't panic you can pick the first one" I smile.

23rd Dec 2009 (Thurs): 16 weeks  
I'm so excited that Paish is here, even more so that she's meeting everyone soon. We spent last night talking, me telling her all about life here. I get out the snacks and drinks for tonight and put them on the dining table for easy access. Ricky gets here first, letting himself in with his key making Paish yell because I'm in my bedroom getting the spare bedding out. Hearing the scream I run through "Oh it's just you, I thought Paish had died or something! Ricky this is Patience, my friend from England. Patience this is Ricky and yes I know he has a key, it's for emergencies" I walk over and put my arm round his waist knowing that I won't be comfortable doing it when everyone else turns up.  
"So you made Lou voluntarily open up, kudos…took me years before she'd even let me touch her" I stick my tongue out at her.  
"I don't think I made her tell me, we're just very comfortable with each other" He says putting his arm round my shoulders.  
We stand like that, Paish telling Ricky stories from when we were younger and of my past in England. Just as she's about to start reliving my exploits with her just before I was sectioned I hear the door open, Ricky must've left it on the latch so I drop my arm and step out of his reach. The guys walk in stopping short seeing the strange person in my living room.  
"Guys this is Patience, my friend from home. Paish this is Amy, Ben, Grace, Jack and Adrian" I turn to face her, grinning "You want the full info?" Paish nods eagerly "Well…they've all been in some kind of relationship with each other except Amy and Jack…I think"  
"Dude…you sure know how to pick them! You lot are awesome, almost a real life Jeremy Kyle show!" she squeals while the others look confused.  
"Um..kind of like Jerry Springer but with dirtier looking people" I explain while putting on District 9, the latest addition to my vast collection. We all settle down to watch, everyone finding a chair except me, so I sit on the floor as far away from the others as I can get, only Paish and Ricky notice when I get up part way through the film and make my way to my room. I close the door behind me and slide down to the floor, tears falling silently down my face before moving through to my en suite to cry. I have moments when I need to shut myself away and let my emotions take hold. Through the door I hear footsteps coming into my room so I turn the lock.  
"You ok? Patience is with me if you'd rather talk to her" Ricky sounds muffled through the wood.  
"Ricky, I think she'll be fine. I've seen her do this a few times. I took everything out that she could use so I'm going back through…just let her get it out of her system" Her footsteps grow distant as she leaves. The door moves slightly in it's frame as he leans against it.  
"I'm not moving until you come out, I've got all night to wait for you to talk to me"  
I unlock the door and he comes into the room, getting down to the floor pulling me into a hug as I cry. That's how we're sat when the others find us, Paish clearly having been dragged by Jack. I look up, my tear streaked face on show for all to see and I see the hurt in Amy's eyes as her boyfriend comforts me.  
"No one listens to me, I swear sometimes I'm on a frequency only dogs can hear" Paish jokes "I told them you were upset and as your friend, Ricky was making sure you were ok. I know it should be me sitting there but to be honest I knew you'd be fine because I know you so well"  
I let a small laugh escape "You'll always be my friend…you know too much. That was on a t-shirt you made for me"  
"See told you lot she'd be fine, now shows over lets get back to the films and food" I mouth my thanks at Paish as she leaves while Ricky pulls me up and we head back.  
The rest of the night is quiet, tense and uncomfortable making me think I've done something terrible.


	7. Chapter 7

30th Jan 2010(Sat): 22 weeks  
Paish left yesterday. I miss her already. All we did after the film night was talk and occasionally Ricky would come over to make sure I was ok. Things have been awkward between me and everyone else since that night, as if seeing me cry reminded them all that I'm not a cold, emotionless bitch, I can just hide it all better than others.

The first time I feel the baby kick I'm at Ricky's. Amy took John to Mimsy's with her mum so he has a free weekend. Things seem to be cooling off between them at the moment I think because of me. I hope they can work it out. We're sitting on his sofa watching films, wrapped in his duvet. I'm trying to broaden his taste so we've got Battle Royale on. We just get to the part with the girls in the lighthouse killing each other when I feel it, making me laugh.  
"What's so funny?" Ricky asks me.  
Trying to cover I reply "Well that bit is funny, they're so terrified that one of the others in the group is going to kill them that they end up killing each other, plus it does seem a little much to have poison, shooting and suicide as methods in one scene"  
"You're strange you know that?" he smirks "You staying tonight?" looking eagerly at me.  
"You wouldn't like me if I wasn't a little strange but I can't stay" I feel bad lying. I really want to but I don't want to risk him seeing my bump. His face drops "I have a stack of homework and housework to do which I can't keep putting off. Another time maybe." Yeah right I think, when my daughter's old enough to go to college.  
"Ok I guess one of us has to be responsible" he smiles throwing a cushion at me. We finish the film and I notice every time Ricky says something the baby starts moving or kicking, it feels a bit like someone's playing drums inside me. I smile at the thought. When I get up to leave, I have an 'oh shit' moment - he's looking right at my bump. "Nice top" he says and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I'm wearing a tee with 'this is my ninja fighting shirt' on the front, one of the few non band tees that I can still fit in, black skinny jeans and black Converse. "Well every ninja needs a fighting shirt" I laugh relieved that he hasn't noticed my new curves and massive stomach I grab my things and leave. Fuck, that was close.

17th March 2010(Tues): 28 weeks  
I am so stupid. I got home from school in a state. Even though I'm doing better Dr Fields has been telling me to tell Ricky about the baby, It's not like I can keep it quiet forever. He even called me at lunch today while I was at school telling me to tell him otherwise the stress of keeping a secret this big will make me snap. Well, I've snapped. I walk into my house texting Ricky asking him to come over because I need to talk to him. About 20 minutes later I faintly hear the front door open.

RPOV:  
"Lou! Lou where are you?" Not getting an answer I start searching the house, heading into the bathroom I yell "What have you done?" She's slumped against the bath looking very pale, blood pooling by her hand. I bend to check her when she suddenly looks me in the eye "Don't touch me" she whispers "please"  
"I'm gonna have to, I need to get you to the hospital" I explain.  
"No, please, please don't touch me" she protests weakly.  
Ignoring her, I pick her up. She's heavier than I remember, I would make a joke but this isn't the time. Having now done this before, we get to the emergency room and through to be seen fairly quickly. I go to follow into the exam room when she asks me to wait outside. When they finally let me in she's bandaged up ready to go but looking terrified and exhausted.  
"It wasn't as bad as last time, we didn't need to put any stitches in as none of the cuts are too deep, it just looks worse because she bleeds easily and she did it more than once. We would be happier about discharging her if she's not left alone for the next few days and nights" the doctor informs me before leaving.  
"Looks like you're gonna be stuck with me for the rest of the week" She opens her mouth to protest but I interrupt "They won't let you go home otherwise."  
"Fine but you're not sleeping in my bed, you can sleep on a spare mattress in my room or in one of the spare rooms" she says defeated.  
"Ok I'll sleep on the floor of your room, but I think we'll need to say something to everyone at school. I need to tell Amy why I'll be at yours and they'll all know something's going on anyway" I can tell she's shutting down.  
"I don't care" she tells me "You'll need to grab some clothes before we go back to mine"  
We're silent the whole drive, first to my apartment where I just throw some things in a bag and then to Lou's. When we arrive she points out the mattress and blankets in her room where I'll be sleeping then turns and gets into her own bed. She doesn't talk to me the rest of the night.

18th March 2010 (Wed): 28 weeks  
LPOV:  
I wake up suddenly, the events of yesterday coming back to me in a rush when I realise I slept in the clothes I'd bled over. Looking over to the bundle of blankets on my floor I can just make out Ricky's face, he looks peaceful and guilt washes through me. Quietly, I grab some clean clothes, black skinny jeans and a 30 Seconds To Mars tee that I've ripped up and head to the bathroom, on the way checking the door of what will be the nursery is still locked. I've started decorating but it's not finished yet and I certainly don't want anyone going in there. After a rather awkward shower trying to keep my bandage dry, I head to the kitchen to make breakfast. Just as I'm dishing up, Ricky walks in immediately relaxing when he sees me.  
"I woke up and you weren't there" he states "Feeling better? You look like you are"  
"Yeah I am. I really, really am sorry for doing that to you again" I hand him a plate of food.  
"What did you want to talk to me about before everything happened?" The baby kicks when he speaks, it's like she knows who he is already.  
"I wanted to say that Dr Fields has been pressuring me about something I told him in one of my sessions. He was the one who called me at lunch yesterday" I feel bad not saying anything about the baby "I guess it got too much and I tried so hard to stop myself until at least you got here but well…" I tail off.  
"Yeah I know. So…ready to tell our friends why I'll be here for the week?" he asks.  
"I meant what I said. I really don't care anymore if they know the truth or not. There's only two people who's opinion matters to me and that's you and myself" I admit honestly.  
"Right then, I'm gonna get changed and then I'm driving you to school, we can start some more rumours" he laughs leaving the room.

Even though you can clearly see the bandage on my arm I tell everyone that I'll explain at lunch. Lessons are only just bearable, not only are the students staring but the teachers are too. Great. At least there's no rumours about my unfortunate demise at Ricky's hands but there is one going around saying that I'm in love with him and because he's with Amy I'm suicidal. Neither of us think it's amusing anymore this time than it was the first time, even if there's a bit of truth to it. The love part not the suicidal bit not that he knows that.  
Waiting for Ricky at my locker, I'm wondering where he is. Just when I'm about to head to our table he runs over and grabs my hand.  
"Ready to do this?" he asks  
"Ready as I'll ever be I suppose" I feel calmer than I should right now most likely because he's still holding my hand as we walk over to everyone. Deep breaths I can do this, it'll be fine. I feel sick. The only thing stopping me from leaving is Ricky's hand in mine.  
"Are you two…you know…together?" asks Ben taking us by surprise.  
"What? No I'm with Amy, I'm just here for moral support. Lou has something to tell everyone and it's not going to be easy" Ricky responds still keeping hold of my hand. Amy looks as sick as I feel.  
"Oh God you didn't knock her up as well did you?" Adrian exclaims. Shit, shit, shit!  
"No he didn't" I manage to splutter out "He stayed at mine last night and will be staying the rest of this week and I need to tell you why." Adrian, Amy and Ricky let out a sigh of relief at my lies. I can't do this, I can't tell them.  
"It's ok Lou" Ricky nudges me in the back so I take a deep breath and blurt out "I self harm" so quickly I don't think they heard.  
"What?" Grace screeches. Ok maybe they did hear me.  
"I've been doing it since I was about 12. It wasn't until I was 15 that my parents noticed and that was only because I needed taking to the hospital. They had me sectioned the same night. I was diagnosed with clinical depression, put on medication which I'm currently in the middle of changing. (Yeah right, I'm just not allowed to take anything while I'm pregnant, soon as the baby's born I'm going straight back on them) Just after Christmas when I was 16 I was discharged and then my parents decided that I might have a better chance here so they bought me a house and shipped me over in July after I finished my exams and just before the school year here started." I look at Ricky and even though he knows I've kept some things to myself, he's smiling at me. Amy notices suddenly looking upset.  
Naturally they all have questions, the biggest ones being why do it and why is Ricky staying at mine. He butts in before I can say anything "She hurt herself last night. I found her in her bathroom bleeding, took her to the emergency room and brought her home. The doctors didn't want to release her if she was going to be alone so I said I'd stay with her for a few days. I'm not going to leave her on her own just so she can do it again."  
It isn't until we all split up to go to class that I realise that Ricky kept hold of my hand the entire time.


	8. Chapter 8

10th April 2010 (Sat): 32 weeks  
After telling everyone my big secret, well the one I could actually tell them, I had a conversation with Amy that I never wanted to have. We spoke about my problems and how Ricky is there for me. She told me she was considering breaking up with him because he's not the same with her anymore, he's always with me. I had to be honest and tell her that I don't do any of this intentionally, it's just he's the only one I'm comfortable with seeing me at rock bottom. She seemed to absorb what I said and I think she's going to try and hang on a bit longer and see what happens, I know it's my fault things are going wrong between them, exactly what I didn't want.  
I don't have anyone round anymore or at least if someone drops by I keep all the baby things locked in the nursery. To be honest at this point I'm too tired to do anything more than go to school which is a struggle. My brain stopped functioning properly around 10 weeks and just focuses on food and rest. I feel like a fat, pregnant sloth. I even fell asleep in one of my lessons so now I have Ricky tutoring me. Though the help is nice and appreciated, I wish I could just be left alone. I just need to hang on a bit longer and then I'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with. All of this will seem like a walk in the park. On a plus at least the nursery is finished.

19th May 2010 (Wed): 37 ½ weeks  
I'm uncomfortable. My back aches no matter how I sit, stand or lie and it just seems to be getting worse. What a great 18th birthday this is going to be. It started last night so I've barely slept, just dozed on the sofa in front of the TV after taking a painkiller. I'm not going to school like this.

RPOV:  
Lou's not here and it's her birthday, something must be wrong. She has been really quiet and distant again lately. I'll try and go over after work.

LPOV:  
I can't seem to stop the pain, every time it hits I can't stop a moan escaping. I feel like I'm being ripped in two and I'm starting to panic when I feel something wet and warm run down my legs. Shit, my water just broke. Scared out of my mind I call the only person I can think of. Pick up, pick up, please pick up. I scream as more pain washes over me.

RPOV:  
It's between lessons and I have a bad feeling that something isn't right.  
"Your phones ringing" Adrian says walking past me. You think? Who's calling me this time of day? I pull my phone out and see Lou's number. Answering all I hear is screams of pain coming from the other end of the line. "Lou what's wrong? Tell me…please" I beg. All I can make out between her moans is "Ricky…fuck…so sorry…need you…" before her phone cuts out. She sounds terrified.  
Ignoring everyone staring at me, including Amy, I run to my car dialling 911 as I go, telling the operator an ambulance is needed at Lou's address. What the hell is happening?

After what feels like hours but is only minutes I get to Lou's house noticing I've beaten the paramedics. I can hear her screaming from out here so I run inside not expecting what I see when I find her on the living room floor.

LPOV:  
I hear the door open and look up as best as I can while I'm on my hands and knees on the floor. With one hand on my belly, I move so I can lean back against the wall. Seeing me his eyes widen taking in my bump which is visible due to the tight top I'm wearing. "I'm so sorry Ricky, I'm sorry I didn't say anything but I didn't want to ruin things" I nearly fall over when another contraction hits, they're so close together that it can't be much longer.  
He grabs me before I fall "You have nothing to be sorry about" he says wiping tears from my face "Would've been nice to know you'd slept with another guy though" he laughs. He doesn't get it but before I can say anything else I get the overwhelming need to push.  
"I called an ambulance but I think it'd be quicker to drive you to hospital myself" he says.  
"No time…have to…push" I manage to gasp. He grabs my hands, gets me into position and with his help I go for it. I'm getting so tired but know I have to keep going so with one last push my daughter enters the world with a loud cry. I pick her up then look at Ricky, he's looking at her and when she opens her eyes we both look at each other. I thought she'd have blue eyes like me but they're such a dark brown that you couldn't think she belonged to anyone else except Ricky. She has so much hair already, the same colour as his. "I saw how happy you were with Amy and I didn't want to ruin that for you. I thought if I just kept quiet you'd think she was someone else's but seeing her, she looks so much like you already." I explain, no longer looking at him.  
"She's…you're saying she's mine? I have a daughter?" I can't think of anything else to say so I just nod as the paramedics come in and check me and the baby over, telling Ricky that they want to take me to hospital just to be on the safe side as she came 2 weeks early. "I'm coming with you" he says grabbing my bag from near the door. He looks how I feel, shocked.

RPOV:  
Sitting, waiting I can't stop being angry with myself for not noticing anything. I think I'm in shock. I called Margaret and Shakur asking them to meet me here. I don't call Amy. They get here an hour later and I tell them what happened, my mom shocked that even she didn't know especially since she has regular meetings with Lou to make sure she's ok on her own. I can't seem to take it in.  
At last I'm allowed in to see Lou and the baby. Lou's sleeping so I go over to the crib where our daughter is lying. I can't believe that I have a daughter but I did the math on the way here and the dates work out so she's definitely mine, plus I've never seen Lou even look at another guy let alone be touched by one. She's just laying there watching me with her eyes so like mine so I pick her up. It feels strange holding a newborn again, you forget how light but solid they are. She looks like Lou but with my eyes and hair colour, so much hair already. I can feel myself falling in love with her already.

LPOV:  
I wake up to see Ricky holding our daughter, he looks so content that I wonder if what I did was right but what's done is done.  
"I never want to have to do that again" he tells the baby not realising I'm awake "Mommy was screaming and daddy was scared because he didn't know what was happening but I'm happy I was there to help mommy."  
"I'm happy you were there too, even after I kept it all secret and made you ditch school. I couldn't have done it without you" I say making him jump, I laugh at the sight. "I was thinking of naming her Morgan, it was my Granddad's middle name. Too strange?"  
"No it's different, like her mom. Do you mind if she has my surname? I want a connection that isn't just genetic and I want to be part of her life." he replies.  
"Morgan Underwood it is then" I say smiling then a thought crosses my mind "What are we going to tell people?"  
"Well Margaret and Shakur came while you were asleep and I explained to them everything. Margaret's upset she didn't know, or that you didn't feel like you could go to her, she doesn't tell me everything you know. I suppose we just need to tell everyone the truth. We had sex a few times before I got together with Amy then next thing I know I'm helping you give birth to our baby on the living room floor" he replies with a smirk.  
"That sounds right for your part of the story. I'm going to have a bit more explaining to do when they turn up. Do they know we're here yet?"  
"Yeah, Amy rang a little while ago, I had to say something after I ran out of school after getting a call from you. I just said we're at the hospital, nothing more, they probably think you've harmed yourself again. This is going to be a shock to everyone, it was to me. They'll be here in half an hour or so."

I lie there content to watch him hold Morgan while I think of what I'm going to say to everyone when she starts crying, so I reach out for Ricky to pass her to me and start feeding her not paying attention to the people coming in the room.  
Amy, Adrian, Ben, Grace and Jack all stand at the edge of the bed not wanting to come closer but not able to take their eyes off me.  
"Hey guys…it's not a free show" Ricky tells them sitting next to me.  
"What's going on? Is that a baby?" Jack asks shocked.  
"I'd like to introduce you to Morgan, born this afternoon on my floor at home weighing 7lb 6oz" I say not taking my eyes off of my daughter. She finishes feeding so I burp her and just hold her. She watches everyone just taking it all in.  
"Why not tell us? We could've helped you" Ben says.  
Amy, who hasn't stopped looking at Morgan just comes out with what they're all dying to know "Who's the father?"  
I sigh as Ricky whispers "How'd you want to handle this?" I hand the baby to him and sit up a bit. If they're going to attack anyone it can be me not him and our daughter.  
"Before I say anything I want to apologise for not telling you before now. I had my reasons and I'll explain them later. Please don't hate me." I start "The day after Amy, Grace and Adrian first stayed at mine I found out my grandparents had died. This made me cut myself and next day at school Ricky found out what I'd done, he already knew about me because the first time we met was at Dr Fields office. Yeah I'm in therapy. Anyway, I went to his apartment and we talked. That was the first time we had sex. There were a few other times after that but never once he got together with Amy but I didn't know at the time that my meds were going to mess with my birth control." I feel so guilty for everything I've kept from them, all of them.  
"By the time I found out that I was pregnant you two were so happy together I just kept it to myself, I didn't want to destroy a chance at happiness for the both of you. The only people who knew were my parents, doctors and Dr Fields. He kept telling me that I should say something but I felt so bad."  
"That's why you were acting weird when I saw you there that day. The first time I took you to hospital you didn't notice you'd done anything until I arrived, that was the reason" Ricky realises.  
"That was the day I found out I was pregnant. Morgan is the reason the doctors at the hospital and Dr Fields didn't want me to be on my own, that's why they wouldn't discharge me until they knew I was going to be looked after." I add "As the months went on, it got harder to say anything even though I knew I'd need to eventually and then today when my water broke I freaked and called the only person I could think of. I don't think he expected to have to deliver his own baby on my floor when he answered the phone."  
"Well Underwood…you make cute kids" Adrian says breaking the tension "She's gorgeous"  
"She is isn't she?" Ricky says looking down at the now sleeping baby in his arms.


	9. Chapter 9

19th June 2010 (Sat): 1 month old  
It's been a month since Morgan's dramatic entrance into the world. Ricky and I have settled into a routine where he takes her 2 nights during the week, she loves being with him and he adores her. After getting over the initial shock, all of our friends have been helping out when they can as do Margaret and Shakur. I even showed her to my parents over my webcam and the day after I received a massive delivery of clothes, toys and supplies from them. They even sent teabags, Bovril and sweets from England, they're near London buying up houses at the moment.  
Ricky's coming over because I have to show him something. I had the idea to record everything that happened over my pregnancy, the scans, doctors appointments, pictures of my bump as I got bigger just as a record in case he ever wanted to see it.  
As I'm in the kitchen making a cup of tea for me and a bottle for Morgan I hear the front door open. I started breastfeeding but couldn't carry on once I was put back on my pills so had to switch to formula.  
"Only me" Ricky calls. Well who else would it be I think to myself. I then hear him asking Morgan how her days been.  
"Well Morgan had a fun day full of eating, sleeping, crying and making mummy change her every few hours" I answer in a silly voice. Passing the bottle to him I ask about Amy. She's been upset at not realising what was going on as well as being mad with both of us for having sex in the first place. She's also annoyed with me for dividing Ricky's attention more now than I did before.  
"She's slowly coming to terms with it all. She's less resentful and more annoyed with herself for not seeing what was happening because of when she had John. We all feel guilty for not seeing what was right in front of us, especially me."  
"You have nothing to feel bad about" I tell him "I told you ages ago that I'm really good at keeping things about myself secret, so stop beating yourself up about it. Anyway I have to show you something" Holding Morgan, he sits on the sofa and gets comfortable before starting to feed her while I put the DVD on. My face suddenly comes up on the screen explaining what this is all about. It's more a video diary of the whole thing with me talking to camera, pictures from my scans, footage from when I found out I was having a girl and anything else I thought would be good. For some reason I feel exposed, I want to leave but I also want to stay and see what Ricky thinks.

RPOV:  
Why didn't I see it earlier? Looking back it's obvious that Lou was pregnant, I feel so stupid. I should have pushed her to talk to me, she might've told me then. I look at Morgan who's looking back at me still taking her bottle, she's just watching me quietly as if she's studying my face. I can't help but love her. It's amazing that Lou thought to make this, all the things that I missed but she still wanted to share with me. I can see her out of the corner of my eye, trying to decide whether or not to leave the room. "Thank you for this, it means a lot to see it even if I wasn't there for you through it all" I say.  
"I thought that even if you didn't want to be part of her life because I kept her a secret, you would still have something to remind you of her…and me" Lou replies blushing. She looks so innocent when she blushes.  
I burp Morgan then go and put her down for a nap then come back through with the monitor to ask something I've been thinking for a while "Does it ever bother you that I wasn't there, that I didn't notice?"  
"Honestly? I did mind towards the end because everything was so difficult by that point, plus I was so huge I thought it would be obvious" she laughs before continuing "I realised after the initial shock wore off that I wanted the best for Morgan and for you. At the time the best thing for you was to try and make a go of things with Amy and John. It made you happy which made keeping quiet a little easier and I admit at first I did want to keep her to myself purely because she was mine. Maybe I should've told you at the beginning but I can't change that now, I did what I thought was best for everyone. Can I ask you something and please be honest. Do you feel obligated to be here when you could be with Amy and John?"  
"I'm here because I want to be. I love both of my children (it's still weird saying that) and their moms aren't bad either" I say with a grin pulling her into my arms.

LPOV:  
That's it, I knew I was in love with him before but I'm buggered now. Why couldn't I just be his friend and the mother of his daughter? Life would be so much easier then!

**AN: Sorry it's short but at the moment I'm on a hen weekend so will be updating when I can but most likely it won't be until Monday when I have fully recovered!**


	10. Chapter 10

25th Aug 2010 (Wed): 3 months old  
I'm still trying to get used to Ricky having Morgan on Tuesday and Thursday nights. It seems so silent in my house when she's not there and I'm so much more relaxed when she's with me even though I know she's perfectly safe. I guess it's a mum thing. She's now recognising the people around her, smiling when she sees someone she knows though the biggest grins are for me and Ricky. She's such a daddy's girl already, always so well behaved and prefers falling asleep in his arms to mine.  
It's Wednesday and I'm now going to pick her up from Ricky's apartment. Margaret looked after John and Morgan today as the nursery told us not to bring them in due to sickness. I head up the stairs after saying hi to Ben in the butcher shop and go inside. Walking to Morgan's crib I see she's just waking from a nap. "Did you miss mummy? Enjoy your day with Nanna and John?" I don't expect an answer but she giggles and reaches for me so I pick her up.  
"A certain little lady had a great day, she played with John, napped and spit up on Margaret's top" Ricky laughs "John's just having a…" We're interrupted by my phone ringing so I hand Morgan over and head to the kitchen. It's an international number so I answer wondering what could be going on.  
"Is this Sarah Louise Thomas, daughter of David and Karen Thomas?"  
"Yes this is her. May I ask who's calling?" I reply  
"This is the Metropolitan Police, we're sorry to inform you that your parents were killed in a traffic accident in the early hours of yesterday morning. We would have informed you sooner but it took some time to find you."  
"Oh…well thank you for letting me know" I let the phone slip as I finish speaking. They're gone. I'll never see them again, they'll never meet Morgan or Ricky or any of my friends here. I stumble through to the other room where I fall to the floor numb. It's too much to deal with. I feel Ricky wrap his arms around me, pulling me onto his lap.  
"Morgan's in her crib, she's safe. What's happened?"  
I tell him about the call while crying into his shoulder. I wish mum and dad could have met him. I cry harder.  
"You two are staying here tonight, I'm not leaving you alone like this" I don't argue, just ask for some things for myself from home. As he leaves to get my things and take John back to Amy, I'm struck by the thought that I don't deserve him being so nice to me.

3rd Sept 2010 (Fri):  
RPOV:  
Lou left to go to England for her parents funerals. I did suggest going with her but she wants me to stay with Morgan. I explained things roughly to Amy when I dropped John off the night we found out and though she understands that Lou needs me, she can't carry on a relationship like this so we've broken up. It feels like it was going to happen anyway but this was just a good excuse to do it. Either way I still get to have John weekends and Amy and I are still friends.  
Next Friday is when Lou gets back, I just want her to be ok. If anything happened to her…

10th Sept 2010 (Fri):  
I'm finally back home, well nearly. Heading to Ricky's I think about everything that's happened in the past year or so. Ok I may have had a few bumps in the road but overall I've managed to cope remarkably well, most of that I think I can put down to a certain drummers influence.  
I walk in just as Ricky's giving Morgan a bottle. I stand and watch them together for a few minutes, both of them the reason that I get out of bed everyday.  
"How'd it all go?" he asks without looking up. I laugh at the faces he's making to her before answering.  
"The funerals were horrible but that was to be expected. What I didn't expect was that they left me and Morgan everything. I never have to worry about money again and the house was already in my name."  
"That was…generous of them." he says.  
"The solicitor told me that they changed their wills about a week after Morgan was born, leaving it all to us as a way of making up for what they'd done." I was gob smacked when I was told. "Ricky, I want to thank you for being my friend from the start, giving me a beautiful baby girl and helping me through everything. Well…what I also want to say is…" I take a deep breath "I love you" I stay where I am waiting for his reaction. He just walks over with our baby in his arms, tilts my face up and kisses me.

18th Sept 2010 (Sat): 4 months  
It's the weekend and I've decided to take Morgan to the park. It's one of the few times I've left mine or Ricky's apartment since I got back from England. Ricky told me about Amy and him splitting up before I had even left so I feel less bad about my big declaration and kissing him. I know it was because of me taking up all of his time so I feel like I need to make amends with her.  
I'm under a tree on a blanket laughing at Morgan. She's lying there kicking her little legs and gurgling to herself like she's having a conversation, I'm just getting drawn into talking to her when my friends come over. This is going to be awkward, well it would be but is that Ben holding Amy's hand? Well if she's happy…I've not seen them much recently because I haven't been in to school yet. Dr Fields called in and explained the situation so I've been given some time off but I go back Monday. I'm going to miss having this time with my baby.  
"She's gotten so big since I last saw her" exclaims Grace "and her hairs so pretty too, I didn't realise there was red in it"  
"Yeah one of the few things she gets from me, that, her appetite and taste in music. Everything else is Ricky" She really does seem to be more like him than me.  
"We hear you're coming back next week. Why all the time off?" Adrian asks before playing with Morgan.  
"Well…my parents died so I had to go to England for the funerals and sort out the wills, plus I needed time to grieve and be with my daughter" I explain.  
"Bummer, that's gotta suck" Jack offers.  
"Ricky told me that something had happened with your parents but didn't go into details. He was in such a rush to get to back to you that he left some things out" Amy smiles at me. She's ok with me, that's a big load off my shoulders so now I can stop beating myself up about her and Ricky splitting up.  
"I didn't mind him saying anything to you guys. He never told you what was happening after I left?" I ask everyone.  
"We barely saw him, between school, work and the kids he was pretty busy" Ben answers.  
"Well enough talk of death, who wants to come over tonight and watch some films? I'll cook…" I know they can't resist so we agree for them to come over at 7 so I have time to clean, laughing when I say it's like a bombs hit. Mostly I want to hide Ricky's things because we don't want them knowing that he stays over and not always to help with Morgan, we're not dating we're just fooling around and seeing how things go. He has John this weekend so I send him a text letting him know my plans and promising not to do anything stupid.

We agree to watch the first two Alien films and leave the others for the next movie night. After the first film finishes I'm laughing at the others shrieking especially at the dinner scene when I start feeling restless, something that hasn't happened since I was pregnant. The familiar urge to hurt myself comes on strong and insistent, like an itch that needs scratching but you just can't reach it. I try and watch the second film, Bill Paxton whining is normally enough to lighten any mood but that doesn't help so I get up to get some snacks thinking if my hands are busy then I won't do anything. The feeling becomes an all consuming need so bad that I'm clenching my fists so tight I'm breaking the skin on my palms with my nails. I go and check Morgan who's sleeping soundly even through Grace screaming, she can sleep through anything just like me. Whilst I stand there, watching her I start to panic as it's gets worse so I leave and head to my room. Grabbing my phone I text an apology to Ricky then pull out the box from under my bed, getting out a small kitchen knife, tissue and an adhesive bandage. Within moments I'm calm, almost serene. I clean up and put everything away then head back to my friends. Surrounded by them so involved in the film, I feel ashamed and guilty.


	11. Chapter 11

20th Sept 2010 (Mon): 4 months  
Finally time to go back to school. I'm making an effort today, wearing a tight red and black dress with lace on the bodice and my New Rocks, footless tights and my leather jacket. A dress like this probably isn't the best idea because since having Morgan I have some pretty impressive curves, though mostly I'm back to the size I was before. Too late now I'm already in the parking lot having dropped Morgan at the nursery, she fussed at first but soon settled. I get the feeling this is going to be an interesting day to say the least.  
I go inside and head to my locker, as I do so I'm grabbed by the arm by a guy I don't know. Managing not to make a sound so far, I'm about to tell them where to go when I hear "Let go of her, she tends to get violent when she's grabbed…" Knowing exactly who spoke, I turn to him and carry on like nothing happened. "Thanks Ricky, you didn't have to do that but I appreciate it."  
"I know he grabbed you which was stupid in the first place but also he had hold of you where the cuts are. I think I'll have to be on guard today, you're making the male student population crazy" he replies. I told him about what I'd done on Saturday as soon as the others had fallen asleep and we spent most of Sunday evening talking.  
"Really? I don't see how, it's not like I'm fresh meat today" I don't get it, really I don't.  
"Well you showed up in a dress, that alone would be enough but you vanished just before school ended when you had Morgan then came back at the start of the year for a day or two then disappeared again."  
"So it's not that they think I'm attractive but that they're trying to figure out what I've been up to?" I frown.  
"Who said anything about not being attractive?" Ricky says in fake shock "Even if it wasn't for the fact that no one really knows for sure what you've been through recently, you'd still have the guys in this school drooling over you. But it doesn't matter what they think."  
"Because..?"  
"You're mine even if no one else knows it though maybe I should put a 'property of Ricky Underwood' sticker on you somewhere" he laughs as a guy I recognise from my English class stands near us trying to decide whether it's safe to talk to me or not. I laugh then open my locker, putting up a copy of a picture of Ricky holding Morgan when she was first born, I love it because they both have the exact same look of shock on their faces. It's adorable though I'd never tell Ricky that, he'd never forgive me!

Before I know it, I'm sat at our table eating lunch with everyone. Well at least I'm trying to eat. "Will you stop staring at me? It's getting stupid and annoying now"  
"I can't speak for all the guys here but Lou…you're hot! When did that happen?" Jack points out.  
"I don't get it, I'm no different to any other day" I grumble.  
"We've never seen you in a dress before. Ok it's still a very 'you' dress and your still in those awful boots of yours but it looks good, great even" explains Grace.  
"All right I look like a girl, now can we please get over it and move on? I've had enough people staring and asking questions so far today and I've had up to here" I moan grumpily while Ricky laughs giving my knee a squeeze secretly under the table. They all quickly change the subject to the films from the weekend though I notice Ben and Jack looking every now and again.  
"Should've agreed to that stupid sticker idea" I mutter making Ricky laugh harder.

After school I pick up Morgan and head to Dr Fields. He asked me to come in after Ricky told him what I did Saturday with everyone in the house. We've changed the structure of my sessions, more like an informal chat while we play with my daughter. We've found that I'm more open in a relaxed atmosphere with less pressure. I don't respond well to pressure.  
"How was school today? First day back after your trip" He looks so funny playing peek-a-boo.  
"The actual lessons were fine, I'd caught up with my work thanks to Ricky making sure I kept on top of things. It was just the amount of attention I was getting, everyone staring and whispering about me. It didn't help that I wore a dress, I swear every other comment was 'wow your fit' and it pissed me off" I say taking Morgan from him.  
"Surely your friends helped you out?"  
"That's just it, they were doing it too. Not the whispering but the constant staring. Apart from the girls, the only guy to help was Ricky and even then his suggestion was to put a big 'property of…' sticker on me. By lunch I was sick of it so said something to them, they apologised but kept doing it. Who knew dressing like a girl would cause so many problems" I sigh.  
"Well it's good you confronted them, not just kept it to yourself. It shows your making progress by addressing the issue instead of turning it inwards" We talk a bit longer then I put Morgan in her car seat, she pouts at me like she doesn't want to go but when I tell her Ricky will be over tonight she soon brightens up. Definitely a daddy's girl.

18th Nov 2010 (Thurs): 6 months  
Ricky has Morgan tonight so I'm taking the opportunity to do some research. I've been thinking about going to England at Christmas to see my family, it feels important to go since everything that's happened this year. I want to take Morgan but I need to make sure there'd be no problems with the travel and accommodation before I say anything to Ricky. I want to know all of my options before I fully commit to the idea. I spoke to Amy about it briefly and she thinks it would be a good idea, I must admit it would be nice to show Morgan where I grew up and the sights of my home country. It'd be even better if Ricky can come too though he might prefer not to have my family inflicted on him, I wouldn't either if I had a choice.


	12. Chapter 12

1st Jan 2011 (Sat): 7 months  
It's now the New Year and strangely I'm actually looking forward to going back to school though we had a great holiday, even with my family involved. Ricky stayed at home to be with John so it was just me and Morgan on our trip. Before I left we spent nearly every free moment together, our friends started thinking we'd become recluses because they never saw us. We kept in touch while I was away using a webcam, every time Morgan saw Ricky on screen she'd reach out saying 'da', it was the first thing she'd said and it amazed us both. She only ever said it when she saw him, never any other time no matter how hard I tried. We spent time with my relatives, I showed her where I grew up, where my parents and grandparents are buried. We went to London and did the tourist thing going to museums, galleries and eating ice cream in the rain in Hyde Park. I took so many pictures that will probably bore everyone but me but I don't care, I want Morgan to know where her mum lived when she was little.

24th Jan 2011 (Mon): 8 months  
"Come on Morgan, mummy needs you to finish eating so we can leave" She just giggles waving her spoon in the air in her own little world. "Ok missy, you win." I hate when I have to rush her so I'm not late. I pick her up out of her high chair, clean her up quickly, grab my bag and keys and rush out the door.  
The day passes in a blur, moments of conversation with my friends and a few stolen moments with Ricky when no one is looking. So far everyone just thinks we're good friends who have a child together and we don't want to change that image yet. Once too many people get involved in a relationship it stops working and neither of us want that.  
By the end of the day, I'm shattered and just want to go home so I pick up Morgan from nursery, go to Dr Fields then drive home. When I pull into my drive I see Ricky's car in his usual spot. I smile as I get my bags and Morgan out of the car and head into the house.  
"Hey…only us" Morgan adds her usual "da…da…da" to make her presence known as I put her in the playpen and head to the kitchen. My house is pretty open plan so I can still see her from where I am.  
"How's my two favourite girls? Miss me?" Ricky asks before kissing me. I continue the kiss for a moment longer. "Well I had a frightfully dull day filled with too much education and not nearly enough time with you whereas our daughter has started pulling herself up to stand. It was bad enough keeping track of her when she started crawling"  
"She's trying to stand already? Well she is advanced for an 8 month old…must get it from me" he smirks.  
"The nursery staff think she's trying to escape" I laugh as he pulls me in for a hug. I love coming home to this, having my little family together. It's so normal.  
"Can we order in tonight? I fancy Chinese" I put on my best pleading face making him laugh.  
"Already done before you came in. Remember the first time we had take out together?" he teases.  
"How can I forget? We let the food go cold! Let's hope history doesn't repeat itself…I hate reheated take out" I fire back thinking of the night Morgan was conceived.  
"Well we just have to eat a bit faster then. I'd like to see the dragon again sometime soon" We haven't had sex since I got back from my trip at my insistence, I've had a few self esteem issues recently.  
"I'd like that plus you can see what I had done as a Christmas present to myself" I move closer just barely touching my lips to his as the doorbell rings. I spring away "I'll get it, it's most likely the food" practically running to get my purse.  
"Ok but I want to see your new tattoo, you know to give my professional opinion"  
"Professional opinion my backside" I shout as I get to the door. Taking the food and paying I bring everything in and head to the table where Ricky has already got the plates out. I start dishing everything up as he gets Morgan and puts her in the high chair where she waits for her food. He brings it through with a couple of drinks for us and we start eating. He makes nearly as much mess as his daughter, she's covered and he's no better with sauce and baby food all over his shirt. I can't help but laugh at the sight but I throw the wipes at him as I get up. "Clean her up, I'll be back in sec" I head to my room quickly finding a clean onesie for Morgan that she can sleep in. I get back to find a clean Morgan and a shirtless Ricky, he's telling her about his day and she's giving him her undivided attention. After a few minutes watching I go over and put my arms round them both. "Come on munchkin, let's get you ready for bed"  
"Do you mean me or our daughter?" I get a tingle up my spine whenever he says our daughter. I raise my eyebrow at him, take Morgan and get her changed. He comes through to the living room, plays with her for an hour or so then puts her to bed, she always settles better when he does it. Daddy's girl alright.  
As soon as he comes back we walk towards each other and start kissing. We're like two starving people given food gorging themselves, not breaking contact we start moving to the bedroom. "I love you" I hear before I fall asleep.

19th March 2011 (Sat): 10 months  
It's now March and I'm struggling to see the point. School I mean, I'm not suicidal, well not now that I have my beautiful daughter and her father in my life. Ricky and Morgan are like two peas in a pod, same colouring, temperament and smile. It's hard to see any of me in her sometimes.  
Today we're meeting Amy and John to go to the beach. When we told Morgan she started squealing in excitement, the first time she went to the beach was in my hometown and it rained the entire time. Rather than meet there we're all going in the same car and I have graciously volunteered to sit in the back with the kids even though I get sick when travelling. Also if I sit in the front I won't be able to stop myself touching Ricky at every opportunity. There's been a few rumours about us being together but we have neither confirmed or denied anything, I'm hoping people lose interest soon, it's getting old being the centre of the rumour mill.  
We put some music on in the car to help distract me from feeling sick, it's a CD that I made so I know all of the words to all the songs. I start singing along, badly but I'm enjoying myself.  
"Which song is this again?" Amy asks Ricky thinking he picked the disc.  
"Don't Stop by Innerpartysystem, I'm trying to get Morgan listening to different kinds of music. So far as long as there's a good beat then she's happy as you can hear" I interrupt over the excited squeals of my baby.  
"That would be the drummer in her" Ricky laughs looking at me in the rear view mirror. I carry on singing and not even 10 songs in we arrive so Ricky parks up then starts unloading everything while we get the kids ready.  
"Are you and Ricky…you know…together?" Amy asks getting John's bag sorted.  
"I…wh…what makes you think that?" I get Morgan out of her car seat and wait for Amy to get John. Oh crap, crap, crap this isn't good.  
"Just the way he is around you" She shifts John onto her hip "He honestly seems happier when you're near him, more than any of us have seen before. That day last month you were ill so didn't come to school, he was so miserable we all just left him alone! When he looks at you, you can tell that he cares about what you have to say and then hangs on your every word. He always makes time for you no matter how tired he is, if it was anyone else I'd say it was because you have a baby together but he was like that with you before we knew you were pregnant and it works because you're exactly the same way about Ricky as he is with you."  
"Does anyone else know?" We head towards the spot where Ricky has set up the parasol and blanket.  
"They suspect but you're happy so why should we care what you're doing."  
"Thanks Amy that means a lot. What do you say about building a few sandcastles?" Phew, that went better than I thought it would.  
We both put down the kids then strip down, Amy in a navy bikini and me in denim hot pants and a black bikini top with gold skulls on it, then play with John and Morgan for a bit while Ricky watches. The kids tire themselves out pretty quickly so we let them nap under the parasol. I see Amy looking longingly at the ocean so I tell her that I can watch John while she goes for a swim.  
"I should tell you to cover up…you're making everyone look over here" I look at Ricky smiling at me then sit next to him.  
"You're not too bad yourself mister. Amy told me as we got out of the car that she knows about us, that everyone has guessed but are just letting us get on with it. They know we like our privacy."  
Ricky pulls me in closer "Does that mean I can kiss you in front of all the guys that are checking you out right now?"  
"I doubt that they're looking at me but if you want me to kiss you with all these girls looking at you then I will, I might just do it anyway" I grin then get even closer to him.  
"Trust me…people are looking" he murmurs against my lips just before we kiss.  
"Now I know why you never kissed around us at school. People are watching" Amy says dripping from her swim "You know this is the first time I've seen all your tattoos. Do they mean anything?"  
I get up and do a slow twirl so she can see them all clearly before sitting down again "The stars down my spine represent different members of my family, the song lyrics on my left calf come from The Path which is my favourite HIM song, the heart on the inside of my right wrist reminds me to love myself or at least try to. The Chinese symbol on my stomach means dragon and the dragon that goes nearly all the way round me on my right side are because well…dragons are awesome, the newest one is the phoenix on my left side going down my ribs to my hip"  
"You never did tell me what that one meant, we got a little carried away before you could let me know" interjects Ricky making me blush.  
"Well…it's about something beautiful and pure coming from something bad so it refers to Morgan in a way. I had an ok but not brilliant childhood, self harming, sectioned and shipped off by my parents, I don't think I need to say anything about your childhood Ricky but from the two of us came her. We're the ashes and she's the phoenix." I hope they understand the idea that drove me to have it done.  
"That's beautiful Lou" Amy says checking on John. Ricky just pulls me onto his lap and holds me for a while until Morgan wakes up. I pick her up as he whispers that he loves me in my ear and I try to find something for her to put in her mouth as she's teething which makes her grumpy. Finding some vegetable sticks I give her a piece and kiss him again.


	13. Chapter 13

3rd April 2011 (Sun): 10 months  
RPOV:  
It's nearly Lou's 19th and Morgan's 1st birthdays. This time last year I had no idea that I was about to be a dad again, that I'd be the one delivering the baby or that I'd be comfortable being this close to anyone. I know that I haven't really known Lou that long, not even 2 years and we've only been in a relationship for about 7 months but I can't imagine life without her or Morgan. In those nearly 2 years, we've been through so much together that I don't want to lose this sense of home and normality that we have. Amy may have made me want to be a better person but with Lou I feel like I don't need to try, I'm already there.  
I have it all planned, I'm cooking at Lou's for all three of us and then I'm either going to make a fool of myself or it will all work out. I'm terrified it's all going to go wrong.

19th May 2011 (Thurs): 1 year  
It's my birthday! Strange to think I had Morgan last year, so weird to think that she's 1 today. If you'd told me before I left England that in 2 years I'd be a mum and in a happy relationship, I probably would have laughed in your face. I wouldn't change any of what happened, not even the bad things.  
I know Ricky has something planned for tonight after school but no matter what I try he won't give me any hints. I even tried to get Morgan to tell me, I know she knows something.  
As I get out of my car, Ben, Amy and Grace run over to me, well Ben's being dragged by Grace with Amy following close behind smiling.  
"Happy Birthday!" Grace puts a sash over my head with 'it's my birthday' written on it in pink neon lettering.  
"Yeah happy birthday Lou" Ben takes Amy's hand and smiles at Grace's enthusiasm.  
"No one gets to sing, not even Morgan" I demand just as Ricky walks over kissing my cheek.  
"But she'd sound so cute" I put my arm around his waist and lean against him. Grace's face is a picture.  
"Close your mouth, wouldn't want to catch flies" I sound like my Nan - that's embarrassing.  
"But…when…how…I'm confused" she stutters.  
"A while, but we didn't want people butting in when there were other things going on" Ricky explains.  
"Whatever, it's old news. Don't you listen to the rumours anymore?" Adrian mentions as she walks over "Happy Birthday by the way."  
I say my thanks for the well wishes and practically drag Ricky away so we can a few minutes alone before class. We graduate soon and I want to enjoy every minute we have left here.

It's been a long day and I just want to get Morgan, eat, open a few presents then curl up in bed. When I get home from Dr Fields all I can smell is my favourite food. Following my nose to the kitchen I walk up behind Ricky and turn him around so I can have a kiss.  
"Mmm…smells good, the food too of course" I tease "I have news"  
"Ok…anything bad?" he takes Morgan from me looking worried.  
"Nope, good actually. Dr Fields wanted to try taking me off my meds for a while, as a trial run. So we started reducing the dosage about a month ago and he's really pleased with how I'm doing." I'm so excited that I'm practically bouncing off of the walls!  
"Give me a sec to put Morgan down then I'll be back" he practically runs to the playpen and back before picking me up and spinning us until I get dizzy.  
"So this is my birthday surprise? Carbonara followed by…" I take a big sniff "apple pie?"  
"No, just part of it. Be patient please" he laughs as I pout "Go get changed, I laid something out on the bed for you."  
Intrigued I do as I'm told (for once) finding a beautiful black dress with a pair of wedge sandals nearby. I dutifully follow my instructions and head back to the kitchen. As I approach I can hear Morgan in her high chair making lots of noise with her spoon. I laugh that she doesn't seem happy about being in a dress, something we have in common.  
"Momma" she squeals when she spots me making Ricky turn around. Apparently since I went to change he managed to get Morgan in a dress, put on a clean shirt and dish up the food.  
"I'm impressed" I say kissing his cheek before sitting down. He seems nervous. "You ok?  
"Yeah fine, just want you to have a good birthday"  
"I have my beautiful, intelligent daughter and the man I love with me. What more could I ever need?"  
He takes a deep breath "Lets move in together" I nearly choke on my pasta.  
"We already pretty much live together as it is either here or at yours. We're never really apart" I'm a little disappointed and can't pin point why.  
"Yeah but this would be official, I could move in here or we could find somewhere new if you want." I smile in response, agreeing to his request.  
"Oh and one other thing…" he reaches over to Morgan pulling a small box out of the pocket on the front of her dress "I know it hasn't been long but I love you and the beautiful but noisy daughter you gave me. You both make me feel that I don't have to try to change, I'm already good enough and I don't want to lose that or either of you so…marry me?"  
Holy shit! Didn't see that coming! I gasp and fall off my chair trying to get to him. With tears in my eyes and a massive grin on my face I lean in and kiss him before giving my answer.

20th May 2011 (Fri): 1 year  
"That the last of the boxes?" I yell. Ricky is moving in today, so exciting! We couldn't see the point in waiting as he's constantly here anyway, well except when he has John. He spoke to Amy and Ben's dad about the move before he even asked me last night. She's going to move into the apartment with John until she goes to college wherever that might be and Ricky will bring John here for the weekends. I'm a bit worried about how the kids will react to the change but both Amy and Ricky keep telling me it'll be fine.  
We called at Margaret and Shakur's place on the way to get Ricky's things so we could tell them what's going on. Ever since I had Morgan they've been very big on being kept in the loop. We stood in their kitchen and told them about moving in together and then Ricky blurted out about me saying yes as if his massive grin didn't give them a clue. They obviously knew that he was going to ask because Margaret kept looking at my hand as soon as I walked in to see if I had my ring on. We're not planning on saying anything just yet, we want to enjoy being together without too much (or any) drama or outside interference.  
"That's it. Do you want me to start unpacking now before I go to get John?"  
"Sounds like a plan. We can start and then I'll just carry on once you leave if that's ok with you? Nothing you don't want me to see in any of these boxes?"  
"No I got rid of all the girls underwear that got left behind over the years" he grins so I throw a cushion at him "Kidding!"  
Soon we have most of the big things put away, including the drum set leaving me to put away books, clothes and kitchen things while he gets John. I'm excited but at the same time terrified that John will be staying here. He likes me and I love seeing him but it's a different situation now. We've set up his things from the apartment in one of the spare rooms, it's pretty bare but only needs a coat of paint. I thought we could get John to pick the colours so it'd feel more like his bedroom rather than just a room he stays in when he visits his dad.

I'm in the living room putting away some books with Morgan in her playpen when I hear them coming to the front door. Rather than make a big deal of them coming back, I stay where I am quietly putting things away and organising the shelves. I own way too many books.  
Almost as soon as they get through the door, John runs over to Morgan and starts playing with her, even sharing his toys that he brought with him.  
"When Amy told him that I live somewhere new he got a bit upset but as soon as Morgan was mentioned he couldn't wait to come. He adores her. I can see him helping me scare any future boyfriends she might have" I get the mental picture of Morgan trying to get a guy past her dad and older brother and laugh.  
"You be nice, besides that's a long way off yet. Do you want to show John his room or shall we all go?" In the end we all go with me carrying Morgan (John insisted she come too) and Ricky holding John's hand before heading to the back garden to eat. Things are going well, too well.


	14. Chapter 14

22nd May 2011 (Sun): 1 year  
It's the day of Morgan's 1st birthday party. We're having all our friends over as well as Ricky's parents, we already have John with us so Amy is coming with Ben. I texted Margaret last night reminding her that we're not telling anyone about the engagement yet and I'm not wearing my ring so it's not obvious that we're hiding anything, plus I really don't want to lose it! It's so beautiful, a white gold band with a solitaire cut diamond, a traditional engagement ring plus it goes with the wedding ring that was left to me by my mum.  
I spent lots of time yesterday evening making sure I had everything ready, not easy when Ricky kept kissing my neck.  
"You hide the cake so Morgan can't see it?" I sent him out with the kids so I could bake her birthday cake - chocolate sponge with butter cream in the centre, chocolate icing and Smarties all over. She got a real taste for them on our trip to England, those and Terry's Chocolate Oranges.  
"Yeah, it's in a box on the counter, anyone would think it's a package so she shouldn't have a clue"  
"You know she'll probably just figure it out anyway, sometimes she's too smart for her own good" I say.  
"Just like her mom then" Faking shock I proceeded to punch his arm, though not really meaning it. "Let's get to bed then, going to be busy tomorrow"  
Before I knew it, it's this morning and I can hear Morgan singing to herself through the monitor making me smile. I roll over and see Ricky standing in the doorway with a tray in his hands watching me stretch.  
"Big day today, someone wants to open some presents now before everyone else gets here…ok I want her to have a couple to open with us and John's just waking up" he admits.  
"Sounds like a plan, now give me the food" my stomach starts rumbling loudly making us laugh "Go get the kids and the presents from us then she can open them in here" He places the tray on my lap, kisses my forehead then goes to get Morgan and John. I can hear them coming before I see them.  
"Momma!" she squeals toddling through the door "Party day?" John following close behind looking almost as excited as his sister.  
"Yep and daddy's getting a couple of presents for you to open now" I move the tray so nothing gets broken as the kids scramble onto the bed with me. Just then Ricky comes in with 3 presents, one from me, one from him and the one Amy got for John to give her. I already know what she's getting from me but have no clue about the other gifts. He sits on the bed and lets Morgan climb onto his lap, John crawling closer to his dad so he can help tear off the paper. From me she gets some clothes like I wear including a top that says 'If you think I'm a mess, you should see my dad' which I found in the shop I used to go to in England as well as a couple of new teddies. When Ricky sees the top he just looks at me as if to say 'really?' which makes me burst out laughing. The present from John is a toy from Build-A-Bear with a little pair of jeans, leather jacket and boots, I think I may have to borrow that one. Ricky gets her a massive llama soft toy, Morgan's been obsessed with llamas ever since we watched Emperor's New Groove with her. Naturally she loves daddy's present the most but I get the last laugh putting her in the top I bought with a pair of jeans with butterflies embroidered on them. As I finish brushing her hair the doorbell goes signalling the first of the guests.  
"Morgan slow down!" I yell as she runs off towards the door.  
"Gotcha!" Ricky grabs her mid stride swinging her onto his hip "Hey guys, come on in"  
John runs over and gives Amy a big hug as her, Ben, Grace, Jack and Adrian all come inside carrying what looks like a good haul of presents. Ricky puts down our squealing daughter and as soon as she's free she runs off to play with John.  
"Well they seem to get on well. No problems?" Amy asks looking anxious.  
"No he's been fine. Played with Morgan nearly all weekend, couldn't keep them apart even if we wanted to!" I reassure her with a quick hug. I'm still not really used to the whole hugging people who aren't Ricky or Paish, I'm getting better at it though.  
I head through to the living room to put on some music while everyone helps themselves to drinks.  
"Do we have to listen to this?" Adrian looks like I'm ripping out her fingernails, my taste in music is that bad to her.  
"Don't panic, I made a play list to everyone's tastes. I wouldn't want the kids or anyone else wondering who the mad lady is dancing to rubbish music." Ahh…sarcasm, the easiest form of wit! The song ends leading into one that makes Morgan start to dance, I go over picking her up and join in, singing along loudly making her try to copy me.  
"You really do have a strange taste in music Lou, who is this?" Ben asks trying to make himself heard.  
"You Used To Hold Me by Calvin Harris. I used to listen to his albums when I was pregnant and I guess it stuck because Morgan still likes it"  
After a few more dances earning some funny looks from my friends, especially when 30 Seconds To Mars (Kings And Queens), The Clash (Rock The Casbah = awesome), Radwimps and Perfume (One Room Disco and Polyrhythm) come on, I put Morgan down then head to the kitchen to get all the party food out. As I'm getting the bowls of dip from the fridge I hear Margaret and Shakur arrive.  
"Hope your hungry, Lou's gone a bit crazy with the amounts" Ben announces "it's like she's trying to feed an army!" I just grin and grab a plate filling it up for Morgan then setting it on the table for her, smiling seeing Amy doing the same thing for John. Heading back to the food I'm stopped by Ricky grabbing me around the waist and giving me a quick kiss.  
"Told you it'd all be ok" he smirks "Let me know when to bring the cake in" I kiss him again and carry on towards the food, I made things that I used to have when I was younger, finger sandwiches, cheese on sticks, sausage rolls, cheese straws, fairy cakes, chocolate fingers you know party food. Once we've all eaten and done the bit with the cake and singing happy birthday we sit to open more presents. Morgan gets more clothes, cuddly toys and some educational toys as well as a small silver necklace from Ricky's parents for when she's older. By the time evening rolls around we're all shattered so say goodbye to everyone and put Morgan to bed, glad when I can finally drift off and stop feeling like I'm pretending.

26th May 2011 (Thurs): 1 year  
"How'd I know you'd still be here Underwood? You know you've turned Lou into an old married woman, she used to be so much fun" I know Paish is just messing as we walk into the house. She's come for a visit which just happens to be at the same time as graduation, she insisted on me inviting her so she could laugh at me in a cap and gown. I did on the condition that she look after Morgan while she laughs as I'll be a bit busy being the butt of the joke. I drive a hard bargain.  
I just picked her up from the airport leaving Ricky to babysit, his choice to give me time alone with my friend.  
"Dude, we live together now" I haven't had a chance to tell her anything, every time we talk we get distracted by the latest gossip from the other side of the pond. Her mouth drops open, she's speechless for once! Should take a photo, it doesn't happen often!  
"Since when? You must have done something pretty impressive well apart from having a kid with her to let you move in. She likes her own space too much, plus so much easier to walk around naked when it's just you" I punch her on the arm turning red.  
"The day after Lou and Morgan's birthdays. She should be up from her nap soon" Morgan starts singing to herself loudly signalling that she's awake. "Oh and yes I did do something big but I'll leave it to Lou to tell you…or not" he laughs as he walks down the hall to get Morgan.  
"He's such a tease! How'd you put up with him again?" I just laugh at the sight of her frustrated face as I head to the kitchen and put the kettle on. I think I drink more tea now than I did before I left England.  
"He has his uses I suppose" I say as he walks back in holding our daughter "I mean he's pretty good in bed and fairly easy on the eyes too which is a plus, wouldn't be marrying him otherwise" his face fills with mock hurt.  
"Only pretty good? I think mommy is lying" he smiles at Morgan.  
"Ok, ok…best sex of my life then. Ego boosted enough now?"  
"Damn right" Ricky turns and puts Morgan down in the living room with her toys scattered everywhere.  
"Wait…dude did you say getting married or something along those lines?" Paish is looking at me like I'm from another planet.  
"Um…yeah. He proposed on my birthday after cooking for me. Apart from his parents and you no one else knows, there's been so much happening in such a short space of time that we didn't want one thing to overshadow another. Bet you never thought this would be my life before I left?" I grab a tray and put the drinks on along with some biscuits I bought online and had shipped over. Mmm…bourbon creams, best dunking biscuit ever in my mind.  
"You know, she looks just like you but with Ricky's hair though I think hers is better, no offence" Paish says as I pass a rich tea finger to Ricky to give to Morgan.  
"It's hard to see myself in her sometimes though I do get glimpses of it, when she makes me change song when a pop monstrosity comes on or when she wants to wear her boots with a dress. Plus she's such a daddy's girl like I was when I was young. I'd be jealous but it's just so cute seeing them together." Whilst I explain to Paish, Morgan climbs onto Ricky's lap to eat her biscuit, every now and again offering him a bit but eating it with a giggle before he could take it.  
"We should've sent you here years ago, you look so happy and it's weird. Good but weird" I laugh then properly introduce my friend and my daughter. I'd sent regular pictures in my emails but they haven't actually met until now as Paish was on holiday when I last went to see my family. They both sit looking at each other intrigued before both getting massive smiles on their faces. Patience is so much like a big kid that they get on brilliantly making me think that graduation's going to be an experience for a whole new reason.


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Many apologies for taking so long to update but recently I've been having some mental health issues which made me lose my will to write or do anything. Hopefully things are getting back to normal (well normal for me) and will be updating regularly again :)**

27th May 2011 (Fri): 1 year  
The big day has arrived, graduation. I shocked myself, actually managing to pass even after everything that's happened. Ricky is valedictorian and has to make a speech in front of everyone, well not quite everyone because it's only me, Ricky, Jack and Adrian graduating. Amy and John are here sitting with Paish and Morgan. Ricky invited them because they're his family, as are his parents in the row behind our friends and children, camera at the ready. I'm just sad my mum and dad couldn't be here to see this.  
Jack does the opening address which I space out on watching Morgan instead. I'm getting restless and tense sitting here with everyone looking, I just want to grab my daughter and leave. When Jack finally finishes, the principal introduces Ricky saying he'd won some kind of award. As he gets up to head towards the podium, all of our friends and family start clapping, Morgan making everyone laugh shouting 'dada' at the top of her lungs. Thanks munchkin, embarrass your parents why don't you. Like I'm not uncomfortable enough already. Once the room goes quiet, Morgan bribed with a bourbon biscuit he begins. It's all about how school and education are really important not just to help you succeed in life but for the connections and friendships you make. For kids like him who used school as an escape from their home life it became a refuge, for those like me who had the option of school as a second chance, meeting people who helped me to carry on even when the reason for starting disappeared. It really is a brilliant speech and I'm really proud but it drew the spotlight onto me too much. I can feel myself retreating into my head and that is definitely not a good thing.

After the ceremony we head to my house. The rest of our friends are coming over so we can have a massive sleepover watching films all night. Ricky's parents took the kids so we could have a night without responsibilities and enjoy ourselves. I'm still not quite myself and that's reflected in the films I choose, 28 Days Later, A Clockwork Orange and The Shining knowing full well that Grace will have nightmares. It doesn't bother me that no one looks that enthused by my choices but they let me pick so they can just lump it.  
Next morning I'm getting things out for breakfast while the others lay in.  
"Dude could you be any noisier during sex?" I know Paish is just teasing but it's not like we were very quiet last night.  
"Maybe if you joined in too but I really don't want to share" I say in a flat voice. She knows something's wrong but Amy and Adrian walk in before she can ask. Both grabbing plates and mugs they help themselves.  
"You were practically locked away last time you visited so we didn't get any pre-move gossip about Lou, go on spill" Adrian demands with Amy nodding excitedly.  
Before Paish can open her mouth to say she needs coffee, I hand her a steaming mug made just the way she likes. I sigh quietly so no one can hear. This is not going to be any fun.  
"She was like a different person in many ways, still dresses the same and listens to the same music as she did then but now she's more open."  
"This is 'more open'?" Adrian looks shocked. I just shrug in answer. So not looking forward to this.  
"The first time we met was in our local library when we were about 14. She was curled up in a chair reading about Anne Boleyn and listening to Nine Inch Nails, it really was weird seeing this scrawny looking girl with dyed purple hair giving off massive 'piss off' vibes reading a history book so I just had to talk to her." I'd forgotten about that, it was pretty funny at the time. Jack and Ben make their way in rubbing their eyes and yawning.  
"Did you ever date?" Jack asks before stuffing a slice of toast in his mouth.  
Before Paish can say anything I interrupt "Mostly one night stands and the occasional fuck buddy" Please don't say anything else.  
"If you hadn't noticed when Lou first got here, she doesn't like being touched by people she's not comfortable with so that meant boyfriends were out of the question. Took years before I could give her a hug without getting slapped. There was that one guy you really liked, the Finnish guy" I glare at my friend suddenly wishing I go Darth Vader on her, using the Force to choke her into silence. I'm not liking the way this is going.  
"Come on…details" Adrian demands. No one's noticed that I'm clenching my fists trying to work out the need to hit something.  
"There's not much to say. He was my first, we met at school and kept in touch when I was sectioned then got together briefly before I moved" There, now you know can we leave it please?  
"Dude you left out the best part! She meant to say the way they met at school…he was a TA. That's the dirt they wanted" I am going to kill Patience after I've crawled out of the hole I'm in.  
Once the initial shock has worn off, everyone starts asking for more info on me. Feeling very tense and annoyed that they're still talking about me I head to my en-suite, pausing to get the box from under my bed not even noticing that Ricky is watching me as I get out the knife. I need to do this, I can't fight it anymore. I don't have the energy to fight it. I've been trying so hard not to do anything for days and I'm tired.  
"Lou…what are you doing?" he slowly moves to face me, hands out showing me he's not going to try anything.  
"I…I just can't do this anymore, I've been trying to stop myself doing anything but it's so hard. They're all talking about me bringing up memories of being in hospital and being stared at when I left. They all think I'm getting better when I'm actually only getting better at hiding it. I can't keep faking being happy with everyone, the only time I feel like I'm normal is when I'm with you and Morgan" I sound drained, devoid of emotion like a shell of myself.  
"Lou…NO!" he shouts as I press down hard and drag the blade across my wrist, before he can get to me from the other side of the room I do it again. It feels good, like I've switched off all the hurt in me for a moment. Then reality comes crashing back down and I start shaking, dropping the knife. As soon as it falls to the floor Ricky has me in his arms trying to stop the bleeding.  
"Oh God…oh God I'm so sorry" I cling to his shirt still shuddering uncontrollably, my eyes wide with shock as he picks me up and moves through the house to take me to hospital. When we get to the living room I hear gasps, they've never seen me like this before not even Paish.  
We get to the emergency room and through to be seen pretty quick but I'm too out of it to really notice. After I've been stitched up I drift in and out of sleep catching bits of conversation between the doctor and Ricky.  
"We'd feel…if…kept in…psych ward…not coping off…" Looks like they want to lock me up again.  
"No…getting help…Dr Fields…needs to be…our daughter." Nope don't get that either. What's Morgan got to do with this? My eyes fly open as the doctor leaves.  
"I want to go home, don't let them put me away again, don't leave me here!" I sound scared even to my own ears.  
"That's what we're trying to sort out. I want you home, you want to be at home and Dr Fields thinks it's best too. He doesn't know how well you'd react to the treatment in a psych ward here, especially after the suicide attempt the first time you were hospitalised. The doctors here are talking about sectioning you because 'you're a danger to yourself' and they might use the fact we have Morgan against you even if you are legally old enough to be on your own." he looks sad, pale and exhausted.  
"You deserve so much better than me, some crazy English bird you got pregnant. I'm not worth the time and effort." Tears start running down my cheeks so I use my good arm to wipe them away.  
"Don't you dare say that. Sure things would be easier if we didn't have to keep getting you sewn back together but I love you, mental illness and all, you wouldn't be the girl I fell in love with if you weren't a little crazy. You're not just some one I got pregnant but the girl who was always there for me even when she's troubled or hiding a pregnancy" I smile at that "Now you're my best friend, my lover and mother of my daughter and any future kids we might have. Life would be pretty boring if you weren't with me." Ricky bends down wiping a tear away with his thumb before kissing me.  
Dr Fields manages to get me released into Ricky's care as we live together with him calling daily and having phone sessions with me. I have to go back on the full dose of my meds and attend regular therapy sessions which I'm informed will not be easy and for the first week I have to be supervised constantly. I feel like a 2 year old. Great mum I turned out to be.

18th June 2011 (Sat): 13 months  
"Amy please come on holiday with us, we'd all miss you if you stay"  
"I'd like to but I don't think I can afford it" she replies honestly.  
"Please, please, please…don't make me get Morgan to ask you. Plus I'm covering the costs so don't worry about that. Think of it as my parents thanking you for being there for me even when I'm a little nuts, it was their money after all" She laughs at my comment and I can see she's going to give in.  
"Fine but I'm not leaving John" Yes that's everyone.  
"Well obviously, he's coming too. I knew you'd agree, you'll need a dress and something smart for John" I beam at her. Things were a little, ok a lot awkward between me and everyone after they saw Ricky carrying me out of my own house bleeding, though now I'm on my pills again and things seem to be ok at the moment. Kind of hard to know what to say to someone after seeing that.  
The plan is to go to Florida with everyone and the kids for a post graduation, sorry I freaked everyone out holiday. Margaret and Shakur know what we're up to (can't keep anything from them - it's kind of scary) but they're in India seeing family so won't be here for a month or two.  
I'm so excited that we're going to Disney World for the whole thing, it will be amazing and I've been given free reign over all of the details. The only condition being that Amy and John have to be there because they're our family. I can't wait to tell Ricky that they're coming with us.


	16. Chapter 16

25th July 2011 (Mon): 14 months  
Ugh I feel a little green. I really do not travel well at all, stupid plane giving me motion sickness. Luckily there was an abundance of people to look after Morgan while I tried (in vain) not to throw up.  
Once we've checked in, dumped our bags in our room and got changed Ricky and I head to the restaurant to meet everyone. We head to the table where our friends are sitting, holding hands and me still feeling ill.  
"Guys, we have a confession to make" Ricky starts "we had another reason to get you all here though the original reason still stands." They all look confused so I hold up my left hand, my engagement ring there for all to see. I'm surprised no one noticed sooner, I've been wearing it since we left home.  
"We did bring you here as a present but also because while we're here there's going to be a wedding…our wedding" I clarify.  
"That's why you insisted on me and John being here" Amy's a smart cookie alright. I nod as Ricky explains "We both want John to hold the rings while Morgan's a flower girl. It wouldn't be the same without you and him"  
Grace looks like she's going to cry "We didn't even know you'd gotten engaged" Morgan seeing Grace upset toddles over, gives her a big hug and grins "Momma birfday…daddy ring"  
The girls suddenly start attacking Ricky for details so I just sit back and relax until a wave of nausea comes over me. I manage to choke out "Watch Morgan" before running to the nearest toilet to throw up. Once I've finished I weakly move to the sink and splash cold water on my face wondering why I still feel sick.  
"You ok?" I didn't realise Amy had followed me in here.  
"Just ill from all the travelling I guess" I reassure her.  
"Maybe…you don't think it could be like when you were ill a few months after starting school?"  
"But I wasn't actually ill then…" I realise what she's getting at "You think I'm pregnant again?" Great. Bloody brilliant.  
"Well it can't hurt to take a test. I brought one with me, thought you might need it" she admits "You've been off your food for a few weeks…Ricky told me, he's worried."  
"Meet me in my room in about 10 minutes, tell everyone that I'm not feeling well due to all of the travelling and to take the kids out once they've finished eating so we'll have plenty of time" I hurry upstairs to the hotel room, already considering the possibility that I'm going to be a mum again.

Hearing a knock on the door, I practically throw Amy inside. "Did anyone ask what's going on?"  
"The kids stopped most of them but Ricky knows something's going on. He didn't seem to buy the travel sickness story, he asked me what we're up to."  
"You didn't say anything?" I'm frantic.  
"No I just said that I'd stay with you while he spent some time with John and Morgan."  
"Great. Well let's get this over with. Is it normal to be petrified of peeing on a stick?"  
"Yep" Amy replies pushing me into the bathroom.  
A few minutes later I'm sitting on the floor leaning against the bed feeling sick for a whole new reason. Nerves.  
"Times up. You want me to look?" Amy's so sweet, bless her.  
"It's ok, just got to do it quick" I flip over the test. I don't know whether to laugh or cry seeing the result. I end up making a noise that sounds like both.  
"Well…are you or aren't you?" I nod not able to speak "You need to tell him as soon as they get here. I can get him to come back early if you want."  
Finding my voice I say "Thanks but I think I need time alone to absorb this" I don't hear her leave as I sink into my thoughts.

My rumbling stomach brings me back to myself and I realise a couple of hours have passed. I'm stiff from not moving for so long, the test still in my hands hidden from view.  
"You gonna tell me what's going on? I don't like not knowing if you're ok or not" Ricky moves from the chair and sits next to me. He's obviously been waiting for me to move of my own accord since he got back.  
"Where's Morgan?" My voice is croaky from not speaking for a while.  
"She's having a nap in Amy's room, I couldn't get her away from John." he smiles.  
"I have to tell you something" I turn my head and finally look him in the eyes, moving my hands so the test is visible "I…we're…well, we're having a baby. I'm pregnant." Shock, panic, fear and something I can't figure out cross his features so quick I can barely keep up. We sit not talking for a while before the silence becomes awkward "Say something…please" I beg him.  
"It's…well how did it happen? We're always careful, it doesn't make sense."  
"That's probably my fault. My meds can mess with the birth control even at a lower dosage so we end up with this again." I gesture to myself "You're upset aren't you?"  
"I've gotta admit having 3 kids was never part of any of my plans but then I never expected to have John so I guess plans change. It's kind of exciting though." He smiles and wraps his arms around me. I let out a sigh of relief, thank my lucky stars. "Do you want to tell anyone yet?"  
"Amy already knows, she got me the test and swore not to say anything. Let's just keep it to ourselves for now then we can let everyone else know, although we probably should tell your parents but I bet Margaret already knows, she seems to know everything!"  
"Whatever you want" Ricky says before grinning "Who's going to tell Morgan that she's going to be a big sister?"  
"I will but you have to tell John. I think I have the easier job - no explaining that it's not Amy having a baby." I smirk.  
"We'll just tell him what we said when Morgan was born, that daddy and Lou had a baby and that they're related. He understands some of it but we can explain more as he gets older, he thinks he's lucky because he's got two moms."  
"Smart arse" I mutter then twist out of his reach to kiss him better, stumbling back onto the bed laughing before falling asleep in his arms.


	17. Chapter 17

27th July 2011 (Weds): 14 months + 10 weeks  
Ugh…it shouldn't be this bad, no one would ever have kids if they knew about this part. I swear it wasn't like this first time round. I moan into the toilet as somehow I still feel sick even though I know for a fact that my stomach is very, very empty. "Stupid morning sickness"  
Ricky holds my hair back from my clammy face as I retch again, his free hand rubbing my back. "You sure you weren't this bad with Morgan?"  
I just raise my eyebrow "No I was in my other non-puking body for the first few months. Morgan was so easy, no vomiting, no weird cravings, ok so the birth wasn't exactly plain sailing but the pregnancy was." This sucks.  
Eventually I manage to extract my head from the toilet, splash water on my face and do my teeth. After we're sure I'm not going to have a repeat performance we get ourselves and Morgan ready to go to breakfast, meeting Amy and John at the lift. Once we're inside Amy says "So…Lou, you look um…really pale today." Great, I look more living dead than usual. Just what I was aiming for. Not.  
"She told me Amy, the other night. Did you ever get morning sickness with John?" Ricky asks her, shifting Morgan onto his hip so he can put his free arm around me.  
"Yeah, a few times at school but never really bad. It only lasted about a month. Why?"  
"I woke up around 4 this morning and couldn't leave the bathroom until about 6.30, oh the fun. I know every pregnancy is different but so far I think I'd rather have Morgan again" She smiles at me when I say her name.  
"Mommy sick, daddy help" she orders making Amy and I laugh.  
"Yeah munchkin. Daddy helps just by being here" I lean into him and sigh happily.

When we get to the table everyone's already sitting down so I put Morgan on my lap and lean back in my chair. It's not even 7.30am and I'm already exhausted. Ricky asks me what I want to eat so I give my order then he kisses my cheek and the top of Morgan's head before leaving. He quickly returns with a bowl of cereal for our daughter, toast for me and eggs for himself. Cautiously I nibble my toast hoping that I won't be sick again, while Ricky helps Morgan who is currently making a big mess. The eggs smell really good so I reach over and try a forkful. Oh man, it's heaven in food form so I help myself to a another mouthful.  
"You can finish them if you want, I'll get some more" Ricky looks pleased that I seem to have my appetite back.  
"Got you some already when I went to get seconds. Lou was staring at your plate as soon as you came back so I figured you might need more. Since when do you two share food?" Jack asks pushing another plate in front of my fiancé. Weird calling him that, I've only just gotten used to boyfriend, now it's changed and by the time I get home it'll be husband.  
"Since he knocked me up again, that's when" I mumble around a mouthful of eggs.  
"WHAT? Have you got like super sperm or something? It's amazing you don't have more kids by now!" Adrian shrieks. I can't help but laugh as Ricky turns red. Just then Morgan starts crying, upset at the noise.  
"Can you keep it down please?" I pass Ricky our daughter for a cuddle and she settles as soon as his arms go round her. "I only found out on Monday so you're not the only ones who are shocked by this. We weren't going to say anything yet but apparently I have a big mouth, we've not even told his parents or properly talked to Morgan about it yet" Jeez some people!  
Today we're going to Magic Kingdom but I think I've lost enthusiasm for it now since I can't go on anything. I was really looking forward to going on Pirates and taking Morgan on a few of the rides. I guess I'll just have to suck it up.

RPOV:  
"Amy can I talk to you?" I need to ask her something important and possibly a bit strange. I pull her aside before we all leave for the theme park. Lou looks so upset that she can't do anything but I know she'll cope. We can always come back again when the baby's born. "This might sound weird but I can't think of anyone I'd rather ask…"  
"Ask what?" Amy looks genuinely confused. Bet she never expected me to ask her this.  
"Will you be my best 'man'? I've known you for so long and apart from Lou, you're my closest friend as well as the mother of my son. I'll understand if you say no though."  
"Wow…that's a huge honour but won't Ben or Jack be disappointed that you didn't ask either of them? I'll do it but I want to know why not one of them?"  
"Well I think Ben already knows that I was going to ask you and though Jack is a friend we're not really good friends. Thanks Amy." I give her a quick hug then go and join everyone waiting for us where I whisper to Lou what happened. It's going to be different but on Saturday we'll be getting married. I can't think of a better way to do it.

30th July 2011 (Sat): 14 months + 11 weeks  
Surprisingly I had a good nights sleep. I thought I'd be a massive bag of nerves but I feel quite calm. The girls are more stressed than I am this morning! Morgan's already awake in the other room with Amy, Adrian and Grace. They insisted that Ricky sleep in one of their rooms while they stayed in here with me, I grumbled about that. I always seem to sleep better when he's with me which makes my good night even more shocking. I get up and walk through, ready for the onslaught of shrieks and excitement.  
"Momma!" My daughter runs over clinging to my leg before I pick her up planting a big kiss on her cheek. "Miss daddy" she pouts.  
"Yeah mummy misses him too but we'll see him later. I promise" She brightens hearing that she'll see him soon. I hand her to Adrian and Grace so they can attempt to get the dress on her while Amy helps get me ready, doing my hair and makeup and getting my dress on.  
"You look amazing" Grace gushes "who'd have thought you'd look good in a wedding dress!" I have no idea what she's on about as no one will let me look in a mirror in case I revolt and wear jeans.  
"Momma pretty. Me pretty too" I laugh as Adrian picks Morgan up.  
All too soon we leave for the venue, other people in the hotel smiling and wishing me well as we go. After a short car ride we arrive. I'm standing outside the room waiting for my cue with the kids and as I hear the beginning of the music we start to walk down the aisle.

RPOV:  
I haven't been so nervous in my life apart from when Amy had John. I'm standing in place with her at my side waiting for Lou when the opening bars of Beautiful by HIM starts playing, she insisted we have at least one of their songs today so I picked the one most suitable for a wedding. The doors at the other end of the room open revealing John, Morgan and Lou walking towards me, my family. She's absolutely stunning in the strapless ivory gown. She looks up at me, a smile spreads across her face and they start walking faster, Morgan practically running. Our daughter reaches me first hugging my legs before going to sit next to Ben and Adrian like we taught her. John gets to me next giving a massive grin when he hugs me and then stands next to Amy. Finally Lou is standing next to me and she's all I can see.

LPOV:  
I can't stop smiling. The ceremony went to plan and embarrassingly I had a few tears while we said our vows, luckily I wasn't the only one crying, all the girls were. John was brilliant passing the rings to Ricky at the right moment and standing with us the whole time. When we were pronounced husband and wife everyone cheered, Morgan the loudest making us laugh before the traditional kiss. We're not having a reception, just a nice meal in Planet Hollywood still wearing our wedding finery. The funny looks people are giving us are priceless but I'm too happy to care right now. After we've eaten we head back to the hotel so we can put the kids to bed, and ourselves too after the long day.  
Carrying Morgan, Ricky opens the door to our room. "I never did say how amazing you look in that dress Mrs Underwood." I grin hearing my new name.  
"I never told you how good you look in a suit Mr Underwood." He goes and puts Morgan in her bed then comes over to me pulling me close for a long, lingering kiss.


	18. Chapter 18

1st Sept 2011 (Thurs): 16 months + 16 weeks  
I just start dishing up breakfast when I'm hugged from behind, Ricky's hands resting on my now visible bump. All I can say is I'm glad the morning sickness finally stopped otherwise cooking would be torture.  
"Wonder what we've got in there" I really want to know the sex of the baby, it'll make decorating easier for one thing plus picking a name will be narrowed down.  
"As long as it's healthy I really don't mind" he says rubbing my stomach lightly "We have one of each so either makes me happy." I turn in his arms giving him a quick kiss. I'm hoping for another girl but a boy is good, I'm only John's step mum so it could be nice to have my own son. Ricky's right, it doesn't really matter either way.  
"Well we can find out today, we have my scan at 3pm don't forget." I say as he grabs a plate, taking it to the table where Morgan is already eating. Grabbing my own food, I lean on the counter eating and watching my family. Ricky finishes, kisses Morgan then me before leaving for work.  
"Come on munchkin, lets get you ready to go to Nanna's house" Margaret is babysitting today so I can have a morning to myself.  
"Nanna yay!" she squeals. I have to stop letting her and Grace hanging out, I don't think my eardrums can take it!  
I dress her quickly in a navy blue dress and her favourite boots before getting myself dressed in my usual black jeans, a tight band tee (Aiden today) and a shirt. I'm glad I don't have to hide anything this time, my wardrobe was severely limited when I had Morgan.  
After dropping her off at Margaret's I head to the mall. I plan on spending lots of money on baby things and maybe some clothes for myself. I feel a splurge coming on, excellent. Walking through the rails in the Banana Republic I spot Adrian and go and catch up quickly inviting her and the others to come over as I'm planning a film night soon. I look at my phone and notice the time, apologise to Adrian and head to the doctors.

Settling myself in one of the chairs I smile as Ricky spots me and walks over, taking the seat next to me. My name is called and we walk through to the doctors office. A few questions later I lift up my top and lay back grabbing Ricky's hand. I know he's nervous not having done this before. The cold gel makes me jump, they definitely do it on purpose I swear. Suddenly the sound of the heartbeat fills the room making me laugh, just like last time and he instantly relaxes.  
"Well everything looks fine. Baby is the right size and moving well though you might not be able to feel it yet. Are we finding out the sex today?" The doctor looks at me for an answer so I nod. She moves the wand about a bit before saying "It's a boy, congratulations." I look at Ricky for his reaction.  
"A son? Well at least I won't be outnumbered now" he grins kissing my hand before I clean myself up. Heading out to the car I feel a wave of sadness crash down on me so powerful that I stagger a bit, grabbing Ricky for support.  
"Lou what's wrong? Are you ok? The baby?" he's so worried.  
"We're ok. It just hit me that my parents will never get to meet this baby, you or Morgan. I guess I forgot they weren't with us anymore. It sounds terrible doesn't it?" A few tears escape running down my cheeks so I cling to him not wanting anyone to see me like this.  
"No it doesn't. You've been getting on with life, and you know that they're gone but because of all that's happened it slipped to the back of your mind. You know that in the year since they died you moved in with me, graduated high school, got engaged, got married and now we're having another baby. That's enough to distract anyone." We stand there for a couple of minutes before getting in our cars to go collect Morgan and head home.

17th Sept 2011 (Sat): 16 months + 18 weeks  
Me and the kids are singing along to the songs in The Lion King, when it happens. "Ricky come here, you have to feel this!" He runs in straight to my side on the sofa so I grab his hand and place it gently on my bump, a few moments later I feel it again.  
"He's kicking! This is incredible" he has the biggest grin on his face as he kicks again responding to his voice. Keeping his hand in the same place he kisses me which only makes the baby move more. I laugh at the sensation.  
"You know Morgan used to do the same thing, whenever you spoke to me she'd move or kick like she knew exactly who you were."  
"All my kids know how awesome I am, even before birth." he teases "Seriously though, this is amazing."  
"Shhh…watching" both John and Morgan say without taking their eyes off the screen. I smile and pull Ricky onto the sofa keeping his hand on my bump, marvelling at the movements and kicks as we finish watching the film.

18th Sept 2011 (Sun): 16 months + 18 weeks  
It's 5am and I can't sleep. I keep getting this feeling that something bad is going to happen and though it's probably nothing I can't help but worry. I have been awake since about 3am and couldn't settle so got up and made a cup of decaff tea but even that hasn't helped. The gang are coming over later to finish watching the Alien films which I know they're excited about since I've not seen them recently especially as I'm no longer in school and Jack and Adrian are in college now. Maybe laying on the sofa will help me relax enough to sleep. Worth a try I suppose.

RPOV:  
Heading to the kitchen I find Lou sleeping on the sofa with a blanket thrown over her legs. I know she's not been getting enough sleep at night but she won't tell me why, something's bugging her and I don't know what it is. She stirs a little when I pick her up but doesn't wake up even when I put her in our bed.  
"So what do you two want to do this morning?" John and Morgan are eating cereal thinking about my question.  
"Park!" They start bouncing up and down with excitement at the idea of going out.  
"Ok you need to finish eating then we'll get ready and leave a note for mommy because she's really tired today."

In the end we're gone about 4 hours grabbing lunch on the way home. When we get in I check on Lou who's still sleeping then clean up before the guys get here, letting the kids play on the floor so I can keep an eye on them both.  
The doorbell goes just as I finish getting the snacks out so I go to answer it, letting Grace, Ben, Amy and Adrian in.  
"Jack's running late but he'll be here later." Ben tells me heading straight for the chips.  
"Hey guys. Lou's sleeping so we need to keep it down a bit for now." Amy heads inside to check on John and see what he's been up to so he tells her all about the park this morning. Once Jack arrives 30mins later we put the kids down for the night and start the movie.

LPOV:  
Two things wake me up: my stomach rumbling because I've not eaten anything today and Grace screaming. After quickly pulling on some leggings and one of Ricky's shirts I go to hunt for something to eat. Now I'm awake I'm starving and I really fancy eggy bread so head to the kitchen like I'm on a mission. As I cook the smell fills the air making me think of my Nan. I eat quickly then rinse my plate and join the others right at the point where Ripley discovers she has a queen in her.  
"Feel better?" Ricky puts his arm around me as I sit next to him resting his hand on my bump and I place my head on his shoulder.  
"Yeah much better" I yawn making him laugh and everyone else look at us.  
"Hey did you find out what you're having this time yet? I bet it's another girl." Adrian looks confident she's right.  
"I say it's a boy. This time you know Lou's pregnant and comparing it to before it's so different which makes me think it's a boy." Amy throws her thoughts into the conversation. In the end only Adrian and Jack think it's a girl and the others all say it's a boy.  
"Well do you want to tell them or shall I?" I look at Ricky who has a big smirk on his face enjoying the suspense.  
"We're having a boy" he announces to everyone.  
"This is so exciting!" Grace squeals sounding just like Morgan when we told her she's going to have a little brother.  
"Ok that's enough now can we please finish watching people having Aliens burst from their chests?" Just like flicking a switch my mood has changed. Stupid hormones, next thing you know I'll be crying when Ripley dies at the end of the film.


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: I have no idea how you guys will take this chapter...I only hope that you'll be patient and wait with baited breath for the next upload. Oh and very sorry for not updating sooner...please forgive me!**

6th Oct 2011: (Thurs) 16 months + 21 weeks  
It's been 2 hours since Ricky went to his parents house and I've not heard anything which normally I'd be fine with but I still can't shake the feeling that something is going to happen. He only dropped in to say hi and fill them in with what's been going on with this baby. I can hear my phone ringing in the other room, hopefully that's him. He's going to get a right earful when he gets home. Running through I grab it and answer before they hang up.  
"Is this Sarah Underwood?"  
"Yes. Who is this?" I'm having flashbacks of the phone call where I was told my parents died.  
"We're calling on behalf of Richard Underwood. You're listed as his emergency contact should anything happen."  
"Yes what's going on?" I can barely hold myself up my legs feel that weak.  
"He was brought in by ambulance an hour ago after a traffic accident. I can't tell you anymore over the phone but if you come in then we can inform you of the details."  
Hanging up I rush to Morgan's room and get her from her bed and a blanket then get in the car and drive to the hospital sending a quick text to Margaret when I get there.  
As soon as I have Morgan out of the car still half asleep I go to the reception area and ask about Ricky. I'm taken to a room where he's lying in a bed covered in wires, the left side of his head has been shaved to uncover a wound there and bruises on most of his upper body.  
"What happened?" I look to the doctor currently checking the charts for an answer.  
"From what we gather Mr Underwood was pulling out of an intersection when he was hit by a drunk driver. The impact caused his car to flip resulting in multiple bruises, fractured ribs on the left side and for him to hit his head. We won't know anything more until he wakes up."  
"But he'll be ok? He has to be alright, he needs to be. I need him, his kids need him." I can't stop the tears falling at the thought that he might miss the birth of his son.  
"Physically yes but as I said we won't know the full extent of the damage caused by the head injury until he wakes and that might take a few hours, days or weeks." I nod to show that I heard what was said, take a seat and pull a still sleeping Morgan closer to me while we wait.

7th Oct 2011: (Fri) 16 months + 21 weeks  
It's now morning and once it was a decent hour I rang Amy to let her know what's going on. Ricky's parents got here not long after me and they've just gone home to have a shower and tell everyone the situation. They offered to take Morgan but I want her with me even though I know she'll be safe I need her to be with me. I don't think I'll cope if I'm on my own. Coming back from a visit to the bathroom I open the door to the hospital room and see Morgan standing on the chair leaning over Ricky. I left her with a nurse while I went out, this baby is getting some kind of sick pleasure pressing on my bladder which is where he's been the past few days.  
"Daddy wake up. Momma sad no you here. Love you." She kisses him then grins at me. I look at my husband and stand by the bed taking his hand.  
"You heard your daughter, you need to wake up. We miss you." I kiss his forehead then resume my vigil from my seat.

8th Oct 2011: (Sat) 16 months + 21 weeks  
I've been home once and that was to shower, change clothes and grab a few toys for Morgan so she doesn't get bored. I don't care what I look like at the moment I just threw on my ripped jeans, a t-shirt and one of Ricky's zip up hoodies so I could get back as soon as possible. I'm sat in my chair with Morgan sleeping on my lap near the bed constantly looking for signs that he's waking up but there hasn't been any change yet. I thought I saw his fingers twitch but I must be imaging things. I'm so tired that it doesn't take long for me to join my daughter in sleep.

RPOV:  
There's a beeping noise coming from nearby. I want to reach out and turn it off but my arms feel so heavy. It's so hard just to move my fingers that anything else seems like too much work so I'll just stay here and try to open my eyes. Looking around this isn't my room, clearly I'm in a hospital but how the hell did I get here? My mind is a blank trying to remember what happened but for some reason I keep coming back to a car smashing into me on my way somewhere. Now able to turn my head slightly I can see the chair next to my bed is occupied and once my eyes are focused I see a good looking girl with a toddler on her lap both of them asleep. The girls eyes open suddenly looking straight at me, what looks like relief and happiness floods her face.  
"Ricky thank god you're awake." She twists slightly in the chair and I see she's pregnant, still attractive though.  
"What happened?" I manage to croak. Managing not to disturb the little girl she gets up, places her on the chair then sits on the edge of the bed.  
"You were driving back from your parents and you were hit by another driver. That was on Thursday and it's now Saturday. Apart from the head injury and the fractured ribs all you have is bruises. You were really lucky." While she's been talking I've noticed her accent.  
"You're English" I state bluntly and her face falls slightly and I find myself sad that I caused her smile to disappear.  
"Ricky what do you remember?" Worry is written across her features and present in her blue eyes.  
"Um…I know I was driving from Margaret's to Amy's to see John. He's my son and was only born a few weeks ago so I go over nearly every night when I'm not with Adrian, my girlfriend." For some reason my answer has made this girl start crying. "I'm sorry" I really am and can't understand why I need to make her feel better. Clearly she's with someone if she has one kid already and another on the way plus she's wearing a wedding ring so I definitely can't go there not that I would when there's children involved.  
"It's ok Ricky. I just didn't expect to hear that but it's not your fault. I guess you want to know who I am." She wipes away the tears waiting for my answer.  
"Yeah and you obviously know me already so we can skip that part." A small laugh escapes her lips and I find myself smiling in response.  
"I'm Sarah but everyone calls me Lou." She bites her lip looking like she doesn't know whether to say more or not.  
"Do you have a last name and who's the little girl? She's cute."  
"That is Morgan my daughter and I'd rather not say our surname until a doctor's been in."  
I look at the chair with the sleeping girl in it and wonder aloud "Where's her dad and why are you here instead of with him? He must be a pretty lucky guy."  
"He is but I think I'm the lucky one in the relationship."  
"Why? Any guy that got you must be something special." She still hasn't told me her full name. I'm not giving up on that.  
"He is. He saved me." The sad look has entered her eyes again and I feel bad for her. No longer able to see the sadness on her face I look around again and realise that there's a ring on my left hand. Confusion floods through me as I try to remember something that would explain why I'm wearing a wedding ring. Giving up I ask the girl still sitting on the bed. "Where did this come from?" I manage to lift my hand slightly to indicate what I'm talking about.  
"Um…It's another thing I'd rather wait until after a doctors been in to say anything." She can't look me in the eye anymore and I can feel myself getting angry.  
"Just tell me." I snap forcefully making her jump a little. She rubs her swollen stomach as if for comfort then sighs as if she's about to do something she really doesn't want to do.  
"You're not going to like this but…Morgan's surname and mine is Underwood. We got married after graduation this year which makes me your wife and she's your daughter."  
I lay there shocked. She has to be lying, I've never met her before. Luckily before I can say anything the doctor comes in and starts checking me over. There is no way that I would ever get married and have more kids. Ever.

LPOV:  
I called everyone to say Ricky's awake but didn't go into too much detail except with his parents and Amy. Shakur came and picked up Morgan earlier after stopping to see his son. Amy came in about 10 minutes after they left and I couldn't keep it up anymore. As soon as I saw her I fell to the floor sobbing outside Ricky's room just letting her comfort me for a while.  
"The doctors say he has amnesia. He doesn't know who I am or about Morgan. To him it's a few weeks after you had John and hasn't even met me yet. I've been erased. I'm nothing to him and it hurts so much." I choke out against her shoulder. The urge to hit something comes on so fast and strong it makes me gasp.  
"Lou, it's all there in his head it just needs to be untangled. We all know how much he loves you but you need to be patient and help him through this not just for you but for John, Morgan and that baby boy you're going to have soon."  
"What if he misses it? What if he decides to leave because he can't get his memory back?" The pain of that thought leaves me struggling to breathe properly.  
"Well then I guess we'll just have to help you out. You have so many friends here that are looking out for you and we'll be there for you, for both of you." I stay in her arms for a while longer then we go into the room where I sit in my seat and Amy stands by the bed.  
"Hey there. You've had everyone worried you know." Amy glances in my direction before continuing. "John misses you."  
"Yeah? Can you bring him in next time I'd like to see him" Ricky's eyes light up thinking about his son.  
"I'll try but he's a bit bigger than you remember, his second birthday is in a few months." I can see the shock on his face as he tries to figure out how much time he's lost.  
"So you're saying that I can't remember nearly 2 years of my life? I guess that explains why I don't know her." He jerks his head in my direction and I have to turn away to hide the hurt on my face.  
"Yeah, Lou moved here just before school started my second year and you two became really close friends. It was nice to see that you had someone to talk to but I'll admit I was jealous of all the time you spent together. Eventually after Morgan was born you started dating then got married at the end of July this year. I was best man." He seems to be taking it a lot better from Amy than he would from me.  
"So you're saying I've graduated, got two kids and another on the way, I'm married and I'm guessing we live together?" I can feel him looking at me but I still can't face him until I get myself under control. Worst time to be hormonal ever.  
"You moved in together the day after Lou's birthday then graduation was a week later. We all went on holiday in July which is when you found out about this baby and got married. A few weeks ago you guys found out it's a boy so you'll have two sons and a daughter." I finally manage to turn and face them both one hand rubbing my bump, the baby kicking whenever Ricky speaks.  
"It's just so much to take in." He looks at me "I think there's still something in my head because when I woke up and you got upset it made me feel bad and when you were happy I wanted to smile. You seem like you've had a tough time and I guess I feel protective of you if that makes any sense?" I nod trying not to get my hopes up too much. This is a great start but I know it's going to take a while before everything is back to normal.


	20. Chapter 20

2nd Nov 2011: (Weds) 17 months + 25 weeks  
It seems so empty here at home. Yes Morgan is still running around noisily like usual but without Ricky it doesn't feel right. He was discharged a couple of days after he woke up and came home with us but after about a week he decided it was best for him to move in with his parents. The photos and things here just made him frustrated that he couldn't remember so rather than constantly get angry he moved out. I go round every now and again but apart from a few vague feelings and blurry moments his memory is still in pieces. We had to go through an awkward conversation when he saw my scars which resulted in him having a moment when he could remember carrying someone and having their blood on him. When I brought Morgan over once she was playing with her toys on the floor and at one point looked him in the eye like when she was born and he later told me he could remember feeling scared, worried and shocked at my house. He said there was screaming and then those brown eyes and that was all he could picture when he thought of her.  
There was the same wonder and amazement in his eyes when he felt the baby kick for the first time since the accident. I was sat at the table in Margaret's kitchen when he started kicking once Ricky walked in. I didn't think and just grabbed his and his mum's hands and placed them on my bump holding them there until the baby kicked again. When I got home Margaret rang me and said that Ricky had been in a daze since I left constantly talking about me and the baby and that he kept humming songs from Lion King.  
It's a start but I want him home with us. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to keep going without him.

26th Nov 2011: (Sat) 18 months + 28 weeks  
I can't remember the last time I left the house. It must've been a few days ago because I have fresh milk and bread but I don't think I went to get it. Someone probably brought it round for me. There's a person at the door and I don't want to get up and answer it but they don't seem to be leaving anytime soon. Amy walks in to find me lying on the sofa. We gave her a spare key in case of emergencies and for when John stays here. I pull myself up then go to the kitchen and make some toast then sit and watch the butter melt a little before taking a bite. I'm not really hungry but I know I need to eat for the baby's sake. If it was just me I'd have given up by now.  
"Lou where's Morgan?" Amy looks around as if she'll suddenly pop up from behind the sofa.  
"Margaret has her. They've gone to the park and are going to have a sleepover tonight." I sound empty.  
"What's that? Lou what have you done?" She's spotted the bandage on my arm which I quickly try to hide suddenly ashamed of myself.  
"It's nothing. I…I had an accident this morning." She knows I'm lying, I can see she doesn't believe me.  
"Liar. You need to look after yourself, if not for your benefit then what about the baby and Morgan? What about Ricky? Do you really think that he wants you to do this?"  
"He doesn't know who I am so it's not his problem anymore." I can feel the first stirrings of anger making me want to hit something.  
"Of course it's his problem. Even though he has no real memory of you whenever I see him you're all he talks about even though he doesn't realise it. I took John over last night for a visit and he asked where you were, he misses you." The anger is quickly replaced and I start crying with my head in my hands.  
"I can't keep doing it. I can't be around him it just makes me feel like shit but I don't want to stay away either." Amy just smiles at me like she's lost the plot.  
"Good because he's just come in the door." She hugs me quickly and then leaves. I stay where I am still crying not caring anymore when I feel him put his hand on my arm near the bandage.  
"Hey. Not seen you in a while thought maybe you'd forgotten me." He jokes but I just cry harder. The past few weeks all coming to a head in one way or another so I go to the living room and start pacing getting more and more agitated finally snapping and punching the wall leaving bloody smears where the skin on my knuckles has split. I look over at him then all the strength leaves my legs and I fall to the floor. He's over to me in seconds pulling me into his arms just holding me until I calm down. Once my sobs have quietened down he lets go, stands up while looking at me then walks out not saying a word leaving me in the same spot that I gave birth to our daughter without a backward glance.

RPOV:  
Lou looked so fragile when I walked in and I was shocked that she seems to have lost weight even though she's pregnant. I know it's hard for her and I'm trying but nothing's becoming any clearer. Ok so there's the odd moment when something will trigger a random memory like seeing the bandage on her arm made me think of me holding her hand at school but nothing substantial has come back yet. It's so frustrating knowing that I have this whole life with someone but I can't remember it. I had to walk out once she'd calmed down, I couldn't stand seeing her like that and not being able to help her properly knowing it's because of me she's like that in the first place.

25th Dec 2011: (Sun) 19 months + 32 weeks  
Christmas day. A time for family but not for me this year. Morgan came charging into my room this morning demanding presents so I struggled out of bed and put on one of Ricky's hoodies then went to the Christmas tree in the living room.  
"Okay munchkin, get one for you and one for me and we'll open them before breakfast. No more until after lunch." She disappears for a second before emerging with two presents.  
"Mommy where is daddy?" She pauses midway through ripping open the paper on her present and looks at me.  
"Daddy is with Nanna today but I made sure that Santa delivered his present from you so he could open it this morning."  
"Oh okay." She continues ripping off the paper revealing a new pair of boots that I bought her as the old ones were getting too small. "Mommy open" she orders pointing to the package in my hand. I look at the label seeing it's from Paish before opening it. It's a load of onesies for the new baby with things on like 'spit happens' and 'mummy loves me more than zombies love brains' which makes me smile. After we've eaten and gotten dressed I leave Morgan watching Nightmare Before Christmas while I start making lunch. Even though it's only the two of us I feel like I need to make an extra effort because we're on our own. Margaret invited us over for the day but I declined, I couldn't face being around Ricky today of all days especially since I've not seen him since he walked out after my little scene. I haven't really seen anyone as I don't go out much anymore except for food shopping and appointments with Dr Fields.  
After lunch we curl up on the sofa to watch Muppet's Christmas Carol and just as the first ghost appears someone knocks on the door before coming in.  
"Nanna!" Morgan jumps up and runs to hug her legs.  
"Merry Christmas sweetheart. Where's mommy?" She's dragged into the living room by my excitable daughter. "Hello Lou. Merry Christmas. I thought that if you wouldn't come to us, we'd come to you just for an hour or two."  
"Oh ok. Do you want a drink guys?" Shakur and Ricky appear in the doorway holding several presents between them. They all nod so I struggle off the sofa and head to the kitchen emerging a few minutes later with a tray of tea and biscuits which I put on the table and then plonk back down in my seat.  
"So Morgan, what did you get from Santa?" Shakur looks so sweet getting down to the floor to talk to her.  
"Boots!" She points to her feet to show off her present beaming because I let her wear them. A small smile appears on Ricky's face at her excitement and I don't realise that I'm staring until Margaret hands me a present.  
"This is from Shakur and me. It's nothing much but we hope you like it." She looks nervous that I won't like what they got. I rip off the paper revealing a selection of sweets from England and a onesie with a union jack flag on it for the baby. I give a small smile then ask Morgan to get the rest of the presents out from under the tree which she then gives out with a serious look of concentration on her little face. She gets a little bracelet from Ricky's parents, more clothes and toys. I'm going to run out of space soon with all the toys around the house. While the others are helping Morgan I go through to my room to get something special. I'm digging around under the bed when I hear footsteps.  
"You ok?" Ricky leans against the doorframe watching me and I wish that right at that moment that everything was back to normal. He can see through my act of being happy for everyone even if he can't remember me. Instead of answering I carry on until I get what I'm looking for, dust it off then hand it to him. I sit on the bed as he opens the box that I just gave him because everything is so exhausting at the moment. Inside the box is a collection of things that I've kept throughout the time we've known each other like a chopstick from the first time we had Chinese, Morgan's hospital bracelet, an appointment card from the first day we met at Dr Fields, cinema ticket stubs and loads of other things. I can't watch him go through it all so I get up and lock myself in my en-suite and cry thinking about what I've lost.


	21. Chapter 21

28th Jan 2012: (Sat) 20 months + 37 weeks  
Pacing in my living room I try calling Amy again. Pick up damn it, I have no one else to call. Finally she answers.  
"Amy I need you to come look after Morgan."  
"Ok but why? Are you alright?"  
"I'm in labour so I want to make sure someone is here with her while I'm in hospital."  
"Right I'll be there in about 10 minutes. Are you going to call Ricky?"  
I take a deep breath as a contraction moves through my body. "I don't know. It's his baby too but we're like strangers most of the time still. I see moments when he can remember something but it's not enough yet. It's early stages so I can always call when things have progressed."  
"Fine. I'm now leaving mine." She doesn't sound happy with my plan but I honestly don't know if he'd even want to be there or not. As promised Amy arrives so I drive myself to hospital, get checked in and taken to a delivery room to wait and am then left alone for several hours so I try to get some sleep.

"Can't you do something to help her?" I hear someone ask. A strong contraction hits me making my eyes fly open and my hands grip the sheets like my life depends on it. I cry out in pain and a hand grabs mine removing it from the tangle of blankets. I look to see who it is as the pain subsides and am surprised to see Ricky standing beside me.  
"Amy called you didn't she?" I lie back against my pillows still clinging to his hand. "You don't have to be here if you don't want. I understand."  
"I might not have a full memory of my life with you, or fully remember how we made this baby but that doesn't change the fact that it's mine too. I feel happy and content around you and that box of things you gave me has been helping. I can remember eating re-heated take out, you wrapped in a sheet, Morgan staring at me while I held her and so many other things. It's not a complete picture but being with you helps me piece it together. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I wasn't here." I can't stop the tears falling so I just lay there and let them run down my cheeks until another contraction hits. Several hours of this pass, us talking between contractions until they're so close together that it won't be long before our son is born.  
"Ok Lou, you're at 10 centimetres so you should be getting the urge to push now."  
"Thanks doc for stating the obvious. Do I have your permission to begin then?" I snap grumpily making everyone in the room laugh.  
"Is your wife normally this funny?" One of the nurses looks at Ricky for an answer.  
"Yes and it's usually when she's the centre of attention which she hates." I look at him realising that he's just remembered something then squeeze his hand hard as I feel the need to push.  
"You can do this Lou, you know you can." Spurred on by what he said after several pushes a loud cry fills the room as I give birth to our baby boy. The doctor cuts the cord then he's taken away to be cleaned and weighed before being brought back to us. He's placed into my arms and I just watch his face watching us. He looks just like his dad, same eyes and hair colour, same look of wonder on his face. I go to pass him to Ricky but he refuses to hold his son so I look down trying to hide how much that hurt.  
"What are you going to call him? I'm pretty sure baby boy isn't going to go down well when he gets to school."  
"Killian if that's ok with you. I've loved that name since I read it in a book when I was about 14." We agree and then I try to get some rest before our friends and family arrive.

RPOV:  
I get flashes every now and again and when I was asked about Lou's comment I suddenly remembered the day she went back to school after her parents died when she moaned at lunch about my idea to put a 'property of' sticker on her. Sometimes when that happens I'll say something but have no idea where it came from and it's so frustrating. When Amy called me to say Lou was in labour I felt that I had to be here like I'd hate myself if I missed it. Maybe I should have stayed when I got out after my accident and I'll probably regret leaving her to deal with a pregnancy, Morgan and not having her husband around to help but I was and still am scared that I'll never get back my memories. Being around the photos and objects collected in that house made the fear more real and I just had to leave. I feel bad that I upset her and I could see how hard it was for her when she'd visit me and I wanted to make everything better for her but I'm no good to her like this. I'm not the man she married and that kills me though I don't fully know why.

LPOV:  
"Everyone I'd like to introduce you to Killian born this evening weighing 8lb 2oz." I say as our friends gather around the bed for a closer look.  
"I said it before and I'll say it again, you make really good looking kids." Adrian wiggles her fingers at Killian who just looks at her slightly confused.  
"Mommy have brother. Daddy come home?" Morgan scrambles onto the bed giving us puppy dog eyes that are so cute. Knowing that it's going to upset her I just stay silent so he can be the one to break the bad news to his daughter.  
"No not yet. I'm going to find my mom." He walks out leaving everyone looking at me for an explanation. Morgan moves closer to Grace for a cuddle while I try to put into words what's going on.  
"He's remembering a few things but it's not enough so he's going to stay with his parents for now. I really want him to come home with us but it doesn't seem likely at the moment. I know he cares otherwise he wouldn't be here but he won't even hold Killian and looks at him like he's someone else's son." I wipe my cheek free of tears still keeping my baby close as if I can shield him from the fact his father wants nothing to do with him.  
"Would smacking him in the head work? That's what caused the problem in the first place."  
"As good a plan as that is Jack I don't think it's medically proven that another blow to the head can cure amnesia. We just have to give it time no matter how much we may want to slap some sense into Ricky." Margaret says as she walks in the room instantly taking in my tear stained face and the baby boy in my arms. She joins me on the bed and gives me a hug while the others leave. I pass her Killian so I can cuddle Morgan and she takes the seat while I try to fight falling asleep but it's a battle I can't win.


End file.
